Keep Making Me

I haven't blogged in a while.  Truth be told, I haven't written anything in quite some time.  Usually that is a sign of apathy and depression for me but instead I've been able to sit in the stillness of God's presence and just be. Trusting His Word to be true; that all things work together for good, for His purpose. {Romans 8:28} Holding onto that promise has given me the freedom to live.  Just live.  Through the ups, the downs, the good days and the bad.  This phase of healing has me feeling comfortable in my own skin.  Truly one day at a time IN the moment. 
It's wonderful.  

Yesterday I heard a song on the radio by Sidewalk Prophets. 

Keep Making Me.

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

[Chorus

The lyrics are simple, yet profound and they resonated with me on such a deep and personal level that I was brought to tears. Then in a moment of clarity I felt my heart release it's hurt and forgive the two people I held responsible for my brokenness.  

They are responsible for their actions and words, but I alone am accountable for what I do with the hurt they have caused. I've chosen to give it to God to use for all His glory and continue making me. Because honestly, I'd much rather be where I am now than before.  
If it weren't for my brokenness, I wouldn't have sought His healing. 
If I weren't empty, it wouldn't be He who completes me and if I weren't lonely I wouldn't have turned to Him to hold and comfort me.  

The moment I knew in my heart I had forgiven them was when I realized how broken they must be to have caused the hurt and turned a blind eye to it.  I found myself praying for them to be in this same place of holy brokenness, begging God to use it to transform them as He is doing for me.  I was crying for them, not because of them.  I was wanting them to feel the healing I feel and come to this sacred place where He alone can make them whole just as he's making me.  I wasn't praying for our relationships to be restored, but for their relationship with God to be restored. 

That is forgiveness.  In all it's simplicity.  I felt God's love pouring through my very being, knowing that He loves them just as He loves me, of course He wants to forgive them just as He's forgiven me. 

Forgiveness isn't an act of absolution on my part for their transgressions, it's the realization that the One they've really sinned against is God; so it's the literal handing it over to Him to deal with. Forgiveness in all it's simplicity is releasing them to God's hands. 

Up until that precise moment, the act of forgiveness never felt "simple".  It felt like a choice that I couldn't force myself to make.  How could I choose to forgive people who haven't asked for forgiveness? How could I make a conscious choice to forgive people who haven't stopped the hurtful behavior that needs forgiving? How could I muster up the strength to consider forgiving the two people responsible for making me who I was when I hated who I'd become?   

As it turns out, I didn't have to choose to forgive them, I had to choose to trust my hurt to the Healer and He made it possible.  I had to believe His promises to be true and allow him to keep making me. 

God, your God will cut away the thick calluses on your heart and your children's hearts.  Freeing you to love God, your God with your whole heart and soul and live.  Really live.
Deuteronomy 30:6