Before you speak T.H.I.N.K.

I feel like sharing today about this journey I've been on.  Life is a journey.  Sometimes people forget that we are all on our own journey because they are focused on their final destinations or are caught up in their own life.  (and life can be messy and painful so I understand the distraction) But regardless we are all on a journey. An individual and unique path through life. My journey has brought me from a broken place of abuse, neglect and abandonment to a place of wholeness and wellness. In traveling this path I've had to change my thinking and learn how to define boundaries and then set them around me.

One thing that has been clear lately is my resolve regarding who I will allow in my life and to what extent.  I've decided with confidence that I will no longer tolerate abuse or cruelty of any sort.  How do I define abuse? Treatment that is devaluing to me as a person.  It is my goal to treat others as I would like to be treated. I expect to be treated with kindness and respect.  I do understand that the human race is fallible therefore I know others will make mistakes that hurt my feelings. But if I feel I can express myself when I'm hurt, know that I'm heard by the person who caused it and then see them make amends which lead towards a change; then I will be more than gracious with forgiveness and in welcoming this person into my life. After-all I will also make mistakes, and I do like to be forgiven and given a clean slate. So I hope others would extend me the same grace. 

That being said, sometimes the golden rule isn't enough when setting boundaries because people are so broken they are apathetic and they don't even care how people treat them; which is clearly reflected in how poorly they treat others.  Or the opposite happens, people are so broken they become self absorbed and are only capable of worrying about how they are being treated that they forget to stop and think about what they are putting out there in the atmosphere. That is not the case with me anymore.

I care how I am treated and I care how I treat others.  I understand fully that others aren't in this same place in their life journeys as I am, and I accept that.  But I still don't have to accept their treatment.  I can walk away with my head held high.

Before we speak we need to think:

I think the above poster that  we see plastered all over school walls is just as important for adults to remember as it is for us to instill in our children.  

Yesterday my dear Aunt posted something on my facebook page saying that the potus will be coming for a visit to my husbands employer.  I could have engaged in a negative conversation.  I'm not a democrat, I didn't vote for him and I don't like his ideals and decisions.  But that wasn't the purpose for her post.  She was clearly excited that the president of the United States of America (despite his political affiliations or stances) was going to be at the company my husband works for.  It is newsworthy.  It is exciting for some. Could you imagine if he was coming to your place of work and you voted for him?  If President George W.Bush had made a visit that I was able to attend, I'd have been ecstatic to see him speak!

The point being,  I didn't need to start a political debate or be unkind so I didn't.  Instead we talked about the plant he will be visiting (actually not the one my hubby works in) and how traffic is affected and where Air Force 1 will land.  etc.  We both already know each others opinions and thoughts on politics.  There is a time and place for political discussions and debates.  This wasn't one.  This was two family members who love each other simply sharing some news and having a pleasant conversation.  

Admittedly in the past, I might have said something unkind, unnecessary, and perhaps downright rude.   Truth be told, I don't want to be that person anymore.  I didn't like that person and I'm fairly certain many others didn't like me as well.  I also don't want to engage in those meaningless conversations with others who are still like that. 

Yesterday  I posted something (that you could refer to as a first world problem) and someone  wrote "who cares".  At first, I defended him in my mind by thinking that my "problem" really wasn't a big deal in the big picture that would cause concern for many. On the contrary it was just an irritating thing to me. So I replied with a joke "I do" and the appropriate sticky out tongue face. :p  After realizing that I didn't feel "ok" about this exchange, I wrote "didn't your mama teach you, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?".

It was at this precise moment, that I realized that I was doing what I've always done in the face of unacceptable treatment.  Minimizing it, (after all why should he care, it wasn't of grave importance) cracking wise, (a snarky smilicon and a good joke always detract from the real issue) and then feeling the need to defend myself against his cold words with an admonishment that we say to a child. (because in their immaturity they don't know better!)

Clearly by reacting this way, I was allowing this behavior to continue.  I was setting a precedent. So I thought of the many other instances where this person has exuded arrogance, sarcasm and spoke to me passive/aggressively as to posture himself and  I deduced that nothing I could say or do would change the outcome. So, I deleted my comments and unfriended him.  "that was that". Boundary set. Match.

While I felt confident in my action, I still have this innate need for validation (I'm a work in progress!) So I posted the following: "Why do grown adults feel it's necessary and acceptable to troll peoples news feeds only to start arguments or say negative and snotty things? I don't have space for that in my life.  I'm always up for healthy debate but not for invalid and cruel comments. Unfriended."  


Of course anytime we post something on facebook, we open ourselves up to debate, scrutiny, judgement and scorn. Subsequently a family debate ensued.  Emotions flared, bible verses quotes and statements made about abuse. 

  

Webster's dictionary defines abuse as:

1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority.

2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse a horse; to abuse one's eyesight.

3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.

4. to commit sexual assault upon.

5. obsolete. to deceive or mislead. 

I understand the volatile reactions to someone who's been abused, to see this verbal exchange as "not abusive". I really do.  I've been on the receiving end of comparisons and I've been on the giving end. Bottom line, our hurt is OUR hurt and no one has the right to minimize because they think what they endured was worse.  For anyone out there, friend or foe, immediate family or distant relative who's been subjected to abuse of ANY type, ANY kind, ANY amount.  I am sorry. What you went through was NOT ok.  You have value.  You have worth.  You are loved. 


Well, SO DO I!!!  

So,  I stand my ground.  I will not sit back and accept being talked down to, dismissed, or disregarded. I will not justify ill treatment.  Accepting abusive treatment is a slippery slope.  First we minimize the intentions, then we joke about the effects, then we defend the perpetrator. Before we know it we've gone from making excuses to drawing a line and then moving it for every infraction.  

I've heard all the excuses in my childhood: "he's mean to everyone", "he was just joking"...I will not tolerate them in my adulthood: "he was expressing his inner child", "he's immature", and on and on and on.

It begs the question: if we have to draw a line in the sand for unacceptable treatment, basically sacrificing our self worth while making compromises for the guilty party, is that a relationship even worth having?

My answer to that is no.  I wasn't put on this earth to be anyone's punching bag.  Verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually or mentally.  When Jesus commanded us to love one another and turn the other cheek, he didn't command that we also keep accepting this treatment.  In turning the other cheek, we simply aren't returning blow for blow.  We are disengaging.  

He then commanded us to forgive.  In order to forgive someone who hasn't changed their hurtful behavior or shown remorse I have to give them to God.  That is what I have done today.  With yet another family member.  They are in God's hands.  He can deal with him.  

I have more important things to do with my life than fight these pointless battles.  I have more self-growth to do because God isn't finished with me yet.  And I can't keep my heart and soul focused on what the Lord's purpose is for me if I'm constantly blindsided by unacceptable treatment from inconsequential people.  

(And when I say "inconsequential" people, I am not saying they are not of worth or value.  I'm stating that they clearly aren't adding any value or worth to my life but instead are taking away mine.)

I will not be devalued ever again.

I will surround myself with people that can bring as much encouragement, love and support to my life as I can to theirs. 

1 Corinthians 15:33 Do not be mislead, bad company corrupts good character. 

Proverbs 13:20 Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

Proverbs 11:14 Where no counsel is the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.