Anyone else ever have "those weepy times"...when certain things just bring on the tears with no understandable reason in the moment!? Every day when I drop my youngest (my junior!) off at the high school, we see the same little gaggle of kiddos meandering towards the elementary school. They are dressed in a wide array of brightly colored snow suits with boots and hats and mittens. It's a group of 5 or 6 all together, though now and again there are a few stragglers walking a bit behind; But they all seem to be chatting and traveling together. I notice them every single day.
Some days they play with the snow as they journey. Once I saw a child stumble in their big boots and another helped them up; a few times they've dropped stuff and stopped to retrieve it. There is just something about it all that is so sweet. Every day on my way back I see them a bit further down the road and that is when I often feel the overwhelming urge to cry. Sometimes I hold it back, other times my eyes well up and I assume I'm just sentimental, and then today I knew I was holding back a dam and waited to get home to let it surge. Simultaneously as this was happening I heard the song "Breathe" on K-Love and I think I understood the tears. (Link for video at bottom of page)
The song lyrics resonated with me as I recalled busy school mornings of the years gone by. And I saw those sweet munchkins on their way to school and thought of my babies, all grown. I wistfully realized I will never have children that age again. That hurts my mama heart. Another part of me vividly remembered just how difficult it was. Those hurried mornings filled with late wake ups, rushed breakfasts, missing backpacks and matching shoes at the last possible minute as we ran out the door.
Truth be told, I never felt fully equipped to parent in all the challenging moments. (and there were a LOT, just ask my daughter who was born an adult and admits to not liking being told what to do!) I felt isolated and alone because I didn't have a healthy support system. Without other moms to ring truth into my ears and offer balance to the unrealistic comparisons, I believed I was utterly alone with my struggles. I felt like each and every challenge was unique and never before experienced, because surely all the other moms had it all together, and mornings were peaceful and went off without a hitch. I'm so thankful that I now know better; Thanks to the amazing group of mama-friends I have in my life as constants!! Back then, I didn't know how to be in the moment, unless it was a bad moment and then that was ALL I felt, and it consumed me and I feared it would never end. I didn't know how to just breathe it all in and feel peace when the moment was anything but. I didn't know how to tell myself "tomorrow is a new day", because they all blurred together and I wished it away. I fear I missed out on the enjoyment of so many wonderful moments because I was fraught with the stress of the not-so-wonderful moments. For the most part now, this is not the case for me. I have learned how to live life to it's fullest, being fully present in the moment, embracing all the beauty and trying to believe there's a purpose for the ashes. I guess if there's any wisdom I can impart on moms with littles, it's this: you are not alone, the Creator of the Universe has equipped you with everything you need to be the mom He created you to be, to the precious ones He created just for you. And in those moments of doubt and angst; just breathe.
I've just begun a new bible study with my women's group at church and it's already made a HUGE impact. ONE week and I feel changed. And here's the irony, I missed several weeks. Talk about God meeting me where I'm at in all things! It's Beth Moore's study on Esther and it's amazing. So last night I listened to the intro, through tear filled eyes and realized once again I'm exactly where The Lord wants me. Those God ordained moments blow me away every.single.time. Here's what stuck out the most: the most frequent phrase in the bible is "do NOT be afraid"...and yet every single human emotion or ailment is tied to fear and anxiety. And I don't know about anyone else but for me it's increased tenfold recently. (another reason this bible study is perfectly timed!) When I'm feeling sadness about the loss in my life, fear immediately swoops in and tells me I will always experience loss. Then fear's sidekick- doubt speaks up and convinces me I'm unlovable; the next thing I know I'm isolating again out of complete dread that I will be rejected and abandoned all over again. When I realize the sadness isn't lifting and I've now entered a stage of despondency that threatens to swallow me whole and envelop me in an all encompassing abyss of deep dark depression...anxiety jumps right up and says "well of course because you will always struggle with this demon!" When my physical pain has taken another turn for the worse and I'm again stiff and achy, I tremble at the fear of what my future holds...dark gloomy days of nothing but chronic pain and misery. When I can't fall asleep and I toss and turn, my heart begins to beat right out of my chest at the idea that I will NEVER ever sleep peacefully again. It's never "just" an emotion like sad or mad, it's always followed with dread worry and fear. Likewise it's never "just" an illness or ailment, it's always accompanied with distress, anxiety and discouragement over what the future holds. But God knew our human hearts and frailties and therefore in His word time and time again commanded us to not fear and to take courage because no matter what our circumstances He promises to NEVER leave us. Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am WITH you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Phillippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control. Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather in to barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: They neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. 1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not our hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. Isaiah 35:4 Say to those who have an anxious heart, "Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you." Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in a man's heart weights him down, but a good word makes him glad. Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Of course I will still experience loss and sadness, pain and illness for that is life in a fallen world; but these scriptures filled with His promises give me HOPE because when "this" happens (whatever "this is) I don't have to be afraid. I have God. I am going to take courage. I'm not sure exactly what that looks like yet, I'm sure I will have to learn as I go along in this bible study so I'm sure grateful to be a part of it. For sure I will be re-reading these scriptures and spending more time in prayer letting the Lord know I want to take His courage. Because this whole trembling in fear and feeling shaky with anxiety thing sucks! That is not the life God intended for me. (or anyone else!) I believe God's Word is infallible and His promises are true so this is the cure for anxiety. Which is good because drugs don't work for me! :)
I've tried to explain this to many before; what I refer to as "the gap". Some understand but many do not. I guess that's a good thing for those who have been unaffected by the damages of divorce and family dysfunction. I realized years ago that I have suffered what I have referred to now as a gap in family connection with my paternal side after a long ugly divorce. My mother initiated the divorce when I was 9. She left my dad for his friend. It was downplayed, it was minimized and it was made out to be something different than what it really was. I see it for what it is now, as it matches the patterns of everything else clearly. It's her go-to defense mechanism for survival. If not for that, I'm not sure how she could live with her self at this point. Shortly after the divorce came the re-marriage; which they had to hop state lines to accomplish because WI has a "cooling off" period between divorce and marriage licenses being issued. Almost immediately after the covert out of state elopement, the control and manipulation started and this toxic environment made it difficult for me go back and forth between my parents so eventually I stopped seeing my dad altogether. Once my safe parent was out of my life, I was in the perfect spot for grooming and this made it even easier to be controlled and eventually abused by my mother's husband. From the age of 11 to almost 18, I had little to no contact with my father and his family. After the hell my mother put him through, he was a broken man for a while. Hearing me say the words I was coerced into saying "don't pick me up, I don't ever want to see you again" must have killed whatever was left inside of him and so he didn't try. Fortunately during this time he met and married an amazing woman. (and even more fortunately for me, she has become a better mom to me than my own!) But in this time, with no relationship with my daddy and the family I'd known my whole life; my young developing mind underwent trauma that I wouldn't understand until years later. Even when at 19, I had my first child and my dad was there, and then at almost 20, I married and began to see my family regularly; I still felt this gap. I felt this cavernous hole and all the pain associated with the missing years at every single family gathering. I didn't understand what was happening at first. Prior to family gatherings I would just turn into a raving lunatic... taking out all my anxiety on my poor husband. I always thought it was the stress of packing...because most visits involved "going up north" and included packing for several days. (and that IS stressful!)But then inevitably and almost immediately upon leaving (usually in the car) I would burst into tears. Honestly, sometimes I even shed tears in private while still visiting. As I gained awareness of my anxieties and learned how to work through them it became easier but it's been a long hard road. One of the things that was key to my healing was giving myself permission to grieve the loss. I had to see myself as that little girl who's life was torn upside down, who's fault it never was and let her cry it out over and over. With no self judgement. (that wasn't easy after years of abuse...but that's been something else I'm working on too) Over the years there were times of pushing people away because I thought it was easier than feeling the pain. (and I had myself convinced that no one really loved me-that was an entirely different battle) but once I was able to truly understand that facing the "gap" head on and making the most out of any time spent together was the only way to minimize the damage of this gap, that is when true healing has taken place. I know there will always be a scar, but the searing pain has faded with time and in it's place is an awareness of joy and blessings. This weekend we had a family wedding and I was able to see my entire family; hug them, embrace them, love them, feel loved by them and walk away feeling incredible joy. Today I cried at the realization that I've come so far. Does it still sting a little when I remember all the years I've missed out on with my daddy? (and the rest of the family) Damn right, it always will. But I'm not looking backwards. I'm in the present; ever grateful for every moment I have now.
I'm starting to see the patterns more clearly. Something happens that triggers a ptsd response and try as I might to "deal" with it in a healthy way, years of repressed grief are difficult to just let go of, so my mind body and soul do what they have always done; try to bury it. Part of that is normal. How can I function if I'm crying daily? There are always meals to cook (or at the very least decide on and order out for!) Laundry to wash, fold and let sit in baskets (let's be real here), dishes to rinse, stack and wash later, bills to pay, checkbooks to balance, budgets to set... you get the picture.
I'm getting better at allowing myself freedom to release my feelings but I'm not all the way there yet, so when the last fight with my daughter occurred I allowed myself a few tears and then promptly put my emotions on the back burner and went about my usual routine. What happened next is what inevitably happens. I experienced a short bout of depression, during which I began to suffer with an excruciating pain in my neck/spine. I have a long history with chronic pain and when it strikes I become quickly hopeless because it's debilitating. Thankfully I found a new chiropractor who has been helping me and the pain has been greatly alleviated. This lifted my state of despondency quickly since it gave me hope.
With less pain, and the vibrant colors of Autumn on the horizon and a spring in my step I jumped into a happy-go-lucky upswing with such an extreme urge to live fully that I experienced a bout of mania...some impulsive shopping. (hey no judging I limited myself to the dollar store and decorated my house for Autumn!) I was truly on a life high, shopping, crafting, planning and living. For an entire week I was on the go, staying up late, not getting much sleep, waking up early and staying busy busy busy. I then spent a fun filled weekend with my dear cousin, staying up til the wee hours of the morning giggling, talking and bonding. We of course slept very little, and we had a few drinks and indulged in some rich food...all things I'm not accustomed to. But truly amazing fun and I can't wait to do it again!!! :)
By the time I arrived home Sunday evening I could feel the fatigue of the week setting in and by Monday by throat was sore...So I had done a number on my body and lowered my immune system. I didn't just catch a cold either, I caught a fricking walking dead zombie plague. The mother of all viruses that turned bacterial. 16 days of misery. 5 days of fevers. 10 days of antibiotics. Coughing, oh the coughing...I've probably developed some ab muscles from coughing. I know I did some incidental kegels whilst coughing...
Two weeks of pain followed by two weeks of illness and my house was seriously trashed. Talk about overwhelmed...I don't handle clutter well at all. I like my home to be neat, tidy and sanitized. Anything less makes me feel out of sorts.
All this to say that I just spent the last day and a half marathon cleaning my house and am starting to feel like it's back in order and of course my pain level has shot back up with all the bending & lifting. There is no doubt in my mind that one type of pain triggers the other but I'm determined to not let physical pain (especially one acquired by productive cleaning) trigger a negative emotional response.
(wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I can prevent emotional pain from triggering physical pain??)
I decided to take a cleaning break and sit down at my computer, I felt like looking at some old blogs...and I came across this entry: When Black & White Turn to Gray which was about a fight with my daughter from last May. At the time I wrote this we hadn't spoken in almost a year, and it went on like that until Christmas. We then slowly began to rebuild our relationship. We spent some quality one on one time together, worked out some issues. Did some shopping, got some lunches, coffees, had some girl time. Fun. Love. Hugs. Mother-daughter time. I thought we were on the road to restoration. And then it just fell apart. She had some issues. She talked. I listened. She vented. I validated. She shared her hurts. I honored them. I apologized for what was mine. But it wasn't enough. Her anger was visceral. Her words were again tinged with venom. She spewed hatred. She crossed boundaries. She blamed. She triggered me and I ultimately lost my cool. Now it's been quiet again.
This happened shortly before my neck pain started. It feels like this fight was the same fight, she's mad and still saying hurtful things. It's no wonder I had a ptsd response. I feel like I have to continue defending my stance on why I'm angry with my abuser, why I'm hurt by the the one who enabled his abuse. I just want to heal and move on but in some ways people won't let me. How can anyone ask me to be in the same place as the man who molested me? The last thing I said to my daughter was that I don't know how to have a relationship with her while she is aligned with my abusers. It was the single hardest text I've ever written. I had to set a boundary for my own mental health, with my own child. How fair is that? It's no wonder I'm hurting and my heartache is manifesting into bone & muscle pain. I'm surprised I'm still standing. It's absolutely breaking my heart. It's literally ripping me in two. I can't choose one over the other. What she's asking of me, would literally mean the undoing of all I've worked towards in my healing. The undoing of my own personal sanity. Yet, she is MY child. I want to choose her, sacrifice for her. How can I do that and not come undone? I miss my baby girl. I feel an emptiness inside, that I've been ignoring for fear that I will completely fall apart and not be able to to be put back together again. It's not natural for a mother to not see, hear, touch, hold, hug, kiss, love their own flesh and blood; not for days, weeks, months. This is not how motherhood is supposed to be. It's just not.
(So of course as I wrote the above paragraph I bawled like a baby. The line from the song He Knows by Jeremy Camp "let your burdens come undone" is where I struggle most when giving it to God...but when I'm writing, it all comes out. That's why I blog!)
There is this peace in my heart about where I'm at in life despite all the pain and suffering. Ultimately I know it comes from the Holy Spirit, but I also believe that it's from accepting and being still and in the acceptance and stillness I know that He's working in my life. I see all the beauty from ashes, all the strength from suffering, and all the character from perseverance. I don't know what the future holds, but I know it holds a promise for good so I will keep on keepin on, taking one day at a time.
#HeKnows
Lyrics: All the bitter weary ways endless striving day by day you barely have the strength to pray in the valley low
how hard your fight has been how deep the pain within wounds that no one else has seen hurts too much to show
all the doubt you're standing in between And all the weight that brings you to your knees
HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS EVERY HURT AND EVERY STING HE HAS WALKED THE SUFFERING HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS LET YOUR BURDENS COME UNDONE LIFT YOUR EYES UP TO THE ONE WHO KNOWS HE KNOWS
we may faint and we may sink feel the pain and near the brink but the dark begins to shrink when you find the one who knows
the chains of doubt that held you in between one by one are starting to break free
every time that you feel forsaken every time that you feel alone He is near to the broken hearted every tear He knows…
I've spent my entire life trying to figure out who I am. I've been caught in the cycle of defining myself by my circumstances (past & present) or my accomplishments and failures. My childhood endured trauma. Does that mean my identity is tied to being a victim? I've struggled to work through all the pain and anguish it takes to survive. Does that mean my identity is that of a survivor? I became a mom at 19. Does that make me a teen mom? I married my husband at 19. Does that make me child bride? I never attended college after completing 12th grade. Does that make me uneducated? I worked some part time jobs in customer service and eventually landed a full time position in collections; complete with salary, benefits and room for growth potential. Did that make me a career person? Once I lost it, did that make me a dead beat? How about that battle with depression, inpatient stay in a psyche hospital and subsequent outpatient work and ongoing therapy? Am I a mental patient? I've made some major mistakes in my marriage. As a mom. As a friend. Daughter. Human. Do these things define me?
I thought they defined me. Until recently. I continually saw all of these as how I measured up, or failed to measure up. For example, since my childhood sustained abuse and neglect, I arrived at the conclusion that I must be unlovable. My identity=orphan When we define ourselves by things of this world we put our security on shaky ground. Jobs can be lost, relationships can fall apart, people can leave, trust can be broken, money can be spent, careers can die, education can be a dead end, health can fail. And on and on and on. We can succeed, we can fall short. We can soar and we can crash. There is only one absolute we can define ourselves by. God Never changes. Herbrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Recently I decided to take a much needed social media break to do some reflecting on God's word and spend more time in prayer. My family has re-committed to attending church again after not going for over a year, so I've also used this time to catch up on last years sermons. (which are conveniently available online.) Today's sermon was on identity. It reminded me of something I had written last year so I took a peek back at an older blog titled: Loved By Choice A year ago, I was on to something...even then I believe the Lord was trying to reach me where I was at, to let me know I was loved by Him without condition. He knew I was hurting too much to read His word, so He met me in my dreams. But now, that I'm knocking on that door, and seeking His face and asking, He is answering the door with arms wide open, showing me His face, giving me the answers and the validation in every single prayer, every devotion and every scripture. (and let me just say, God IS awesome!) Ephesians 1:3-8 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's Grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. That is Loved By Choice my friends. It couldn't get any better than that. THIS is my identity: I am HIS, He CHOSE me. I have but ONE purpose. To live for Him. To share His Good news and let His light shine.
He chose you too. He gave His life for you too. I don't know who will read this, but I trust that God gave me these words and it will reach who it needs to and I pray that these words will touch your heart. None of these material things define you. The love of a mighty God defines you and it was freely given long ago on Calvary's cross. I serve a mighty God and He will meet you where you are at, and He will take all your hurt and He will use it for good. It's His promise. And I believe it because it is what He is doing in my life. Beauty from Ashes.
It seems everywhere I look the whole world is filled with talk of the tragic suicide of comedian Robin Williams. Every news-feed, blogger, writer and twitter-er has hopped on the well-meaning band wagon with something to say. Heart felt condolences for his family and sad goodbyes for a well loved man with much notoriety for his many talents. I'm going to be brutally honest here. It kinda pisses me off. And here's why. Why does it take the death of a celebrity for people to wake up and realize this nation is facing a huge problem? Why does it take the suicide of a famous comedian for people to understand that many people who suffer from depression are in fact hiding behind a facade of humor? Robin Williams was not some exception. I would be curious to know how many other prominent comedians who suffered the same fate used their talents to disguise their pain in the same way. (think back to the many great ones who have died of drug overdoses: John Belushi, Chris Farley to name a few) Comedy is an art. For most people art is a form of therapy. But for many humor can also be a mask. I know this too well myself. Which means it's not just reserved for those with stardom but also for us regular joes. My therapist has laughed at me for 8 years. She giggles so much at some of my sessions there should be a cover charge for her instead of the other way around. Or at the very least, I should require a two drink minimum. Seriously folks, I'm not even kidding. We're talking comedy club level stuff. It's my mask. I wear it well. Clearly my material is not up to Robin William's caliber, I don't have the stuff that makes a multi-millionaire with Hollywood movies & HBO specials. I'm certainly no comedian extraordinaire. I'm just your average Midwestern girl- funny-if you really know me. But it's no secret, I use sassy, sometimes sardonic humor to hide my feelings. And I get laughs. I think Robin Williams was amazing. He will be missed by many. It's not those heartfelt messages that I am upset by. It's the fact that it took his suicide as a much loved celebrity, for people to realize that we need to raise an awareness about depression and what it looks like. And it's my fear that regular people will still be overlooked. Not to mention the problem that exists with social media. Let's face it, as soon as the next big news story hits the feeds; all the internet buzz will die down and with it all the "awareness" and we'll be back to where we were. With little to no interest in the facts and the real people all around will be once again in the shadows back to suffering alone. The friends and family members who are the regular people around us daily suffering with severe depression will still be facing their demons alone. But they won't get noticed or recognized because they aren't famous. Everyone will just go about their busy lives paying no attention to; and often passing judgment on those "pathetic depressed people who can't get their act together and just get over it." For they are just the dregs of society. The unproductive ones and the many who drain our tax dollars. The addicts and the whores, the welfare moms and the mentally ill, the all those who just can't seem to hold down a job and are wandering aimlessly through life. What about that bum on the corner who spends his only $ on booze or that grown adult who lives with their parents still or that stay-at-home-mom with grown kids who sits on her fat ass all day and watches tv and cries. Any one of these people could hide behind humor, or use any other mask to disguise their pain and then in one tragic night slip away from the world silently and no one would notice. It won't matter when they take their life, because they didn't add so much to everyone's life with their comedy and movies and humor and inspirations like that of a celebrity. So we don't need to draw awareness to their hurts and their debilitating depression. We don't need to blog and twitter about them. Just the ones with fame. The fact remains that these regular people feel just as alone as any depressed celebrity feels. That is depression. Alone in a crowded room. Alone in fame. Alone. Let me tell you what I've learned from my first hand experiences: Not all people who suffer with depression are mentally ill. Not all mentally ill people are depressed. They are not one in the same. It's not a one size fits all diagnosis. Not all people who suffer with depression are addicted to drugs or alcohol. Not all addicts are depressed. Not all people who suffer with depression have a chemical imbalance that drugs can fix. In fact, many times anti-depressants make it worse. Guess what, even IF and WHEN someone is lucky enough to find a medicine that works, it's not fool-proof. There is no miracle drug, and it's certainly not without it's side effects. No matter what, depression rebounds. That is the nature of this beast. Whether it's cyclical, situational, chemical, seasonal, post traumatic, it will inevitably be back. And just knowing that, is sometimes enough to trigger another episode strangely enough. Not all people who suffer with depression are ungrateful and without joy. Nor do they "just" need to pray and have faith. Or "just" need Jesus. Case in point: I've been a Christian my whole life. I've been with and without faith. I've heard the very voice of God whisper in my ear. I've felt His presence so tangible I will NEVER doubt His existence again. I've worshiped Him in good times and in bad, I've felt His hand on my head and His arms around me. I've felt the Peace that passes all understanding and I've had Joy that overflows, but I've also wandered through the dry dessert, and waited in the wilderness and cried out to Him while lying with my face to the floor begging Him to free me from this pain & anguish. I know God. I have faith and yet I still have a black hole in my heart and an emptiness that I believe won't be filled until I'm free from this earth. I've been in therapy for 10 years. I've been told that it is unhealthy to have black & white / all or nothing thinking. Why is it then, when addressing depression that the rest of the world who has not suffered with depression gets to treat those of us with depression with this type of mindset? It's not simple. There is no easy fix. It's not a 1, 2, 3...just go to the doctor. Just go get 'help'. Just get a pill. Just be happy. Just tell me what is wrong. Just just just...Just shove it. Just shut your damn pie hole. Basically, if you have never suffered through a debilitating depression, you JUST don't get an opinion. You just don't get to ask questions. You just don't get to pass judgement. You just don't get to. Period. End of story. Here's the thing: I will show humility here because authentic is all I can ever be. Even I, who have suffered with depression since I was 15 have been known to pass judgement on those around me who are depressed. Why you ask? Because when I'm not in the throes of a depression it simply does NOT make sense. It is in those moments that I understand why it doesn't compute to those of you whose brains are not wired this way. The reason it makes so much sense to me now is because I am neck deep in yet another bout of wrestling with my demons. I want to throw myself off the cliff and quit. I feel like I can't go on another day. I have no will to live. I just cant. So right now, I get it because I am living it. For those of you who can't understand it, you don't have to. Thank GOD you don't. All you have to do is love us and be there for us. Silently. Unconditionally. Maybe with chocolate. But for the love of God, don't take it personal. Don't ask why. Don't try to fix it, or fix us, or assume it's you. It's not you. It's not us. It's depression. It JUST is what it is and it will pass. And then damn if it will eventually be back again. It's like the rising of the tide, the setting of the sun. It's depression, it's how we are wired and it's not our faults. We can't help it anymore than anyone else can help any other disease or other biological thing about the way they were made. I'm not going to feel guilty for it ever again, or apologize for it anymore. I am who I am. This is me, take it or leave it. I get depressed. I fall down, and then I get back up. I hope and pray I never get so low and so dark that I take my own life. So far, my record for getting back up is 100%. If you know someone who is or has been depressed before and you love them like you say you do, then check in. I've heard this before: "let us know if it gets bad again" yeah...because I'm going to call when I feel like an unloved orphan who's been outcast like a leper. Really? Who's being stupid here?
If you are depressed and you are reading this I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and say stupid cliche things like "just get help". You and I both know it ain't ever that easy. Chances are, you've sought help over and over and you are back at what feels like the same damn place but some small part of you knows it's really not because each step is progress, so hang in there for the worst to pass and when you can muster the strength, reach out to the one person who really gets you. I hope you have a 2 am friend and I hope it's not me cuz I'm in a bad place. (Just bein real) But if I am...text me. If you can call for help, counseling is important. It has saved my ass. I joke obviously, because it's my mask. But for real, in all seriousness, I cherish my therapist. She is in her profession for a reason and for that I am thankful beyond words. If you don't have a counselor and you are depressed, find one. It could be the difference between life and death. And even though you aren't famous, you will be missed. You are important. You do matter. You have value and you are loved. It's only your depression making you believe that it's not true and you know it. I'm not going to leave links for hotlines and help. If you are reading this blog, you aren't computer illiterate. I'm not going to treat you like an idiot. If there is one thing I hate as a person who suffers with depression it's being treated like I'm mentally handicapped just because I'm depressed. You know how to google. Get to googling. I'm depressed. It will pass. I feel a bit better after writing this. There is Hope.
I recently had one of those emotional moments that reminds me of what happens after getting sucker punched and losing the ability to breathe. I heard my breath catch in my throat, I felt my heart skip a beat and then it felt like my entire world just fell out from under me and I was free falling into nothingness as time stood still.
My family and I had spent the weekend cleaning the basement which resulted in going through bins in storage that contained stuff we no longer use. I brought a few bins upstairs to go through later by myself. (I have discovered local online rummage sales via Facebook and I've been selling stuff we don't want.)
After getting the basement cleaned together, I started to sort through the remaining bins on my own this week. One of these contained old photo albums & frames I have no room to hang, so I began making piles of photo albums (to obviously keep) and empty frames to sell. As I worked my way deeper into the bin, that is when it happened.
I came across a solitary photograph, loose from my wedding album; a picture of my mom and me.
I swear I had to tell myself to breathe. It didn't just happen reflexively like it's supposed to.
I feel like I had to also remind my brain to signal my heart to resume beating. Because in that moment, the pain was so deep I wished it had stopped for good.
When the room stopped spinning and my body resumed it's normal involuntary functions, all I felt was immeasurable pain and heart ache and then my tears started.
By the Grace of God I was able to wipe my tears and resume the task at hand, only slightly affected by yet another painful reminder of what used to be.
This happened on June 23...later that night I realized my pre-order of Danny Gokey's cd was available on itunes and I downloaded it. One song immediately caught my eye and when I listened to it I began to cry.
Every word fit perfectly with what I've been going through and served as a faithful reminder from a Loving God that I'm right where I need to be. Even when I stumble and fall, He will pick me back up and when my heart breaks, He will give me the Strength to tell my heart to beat again. God bless all the talented musical artists who use their gift to speak words of love, encouragement and life into those who need it. I started this blog after hearing Jason Gray's Nothing is Wasted, and now I'm blogging again after hearing Danny Gokey's latest song. Tell Your Heart To Beat Again.
Shattered, like you've never been before
The life you knew, in a thousand pieces on the floor
Words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you, that you used to be
Chorus-
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of Grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Beginning- just let that word wash over you
It's all right now, Loves healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun (Son)
Because your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun
Chorus
Let every heartbreak and every scar
Be a picture that reminds you, Who has carried you this far
Because Love sees farther, than you ever could
And in this moment Heaven's working, everything for your good
