I'm having this problem now. Where does one draw the line between following scripture's command to "turn the other cheek" and setting healthy boundaries in the name of self preservation?
I feel like Christians would say if we are following Jesus's commands, we just keep turning despite that our face is bloody and raw from all the slapping.
Society on the other hand does a lot of talking about self-love in the name of mental health and wellness; a concept which I struggled to understand and accept until it was explained to me this way: when on an airplane being given emergency instructions you are told to put your oxygen mask on first before trying to help another because if you lose consciousness you are of no help to anyone else.
This makes perfect sense, because in life, we have to be healthy first before we can be any good to anyone else. This resonates with me on a deep and personal level; after years of not being mentally well in which I felt I was useless to my family. I had to "get well" before I could be a better wife and mom.
So what if the toxic words of people in my life are tempting me back into that place of un-wellness? Is it then that I take a step back and no longer "turn the other cheek"?
There is just something about receiving hurtful words that make me want to stop turning my cheek. They make me want to lace up the boxing gloves and get back into the ring to fight the fight I've been battling for years. But I vowed to take off those gloves and give the fight to God because I learned after years of using fight or flight response as my only defense that not only was it not working, it was no longer necessary. I am safe. I am loved. I belong. I am worthy.
But when a texting battle between me and my first born knocks the wind out of me, it brings be back to this place of undeniable hurt and suffering where I want to draw a line in the sand; a defensive line to stand behind in the heat of battle and I want to take up arms and guard my heart. I want to take her picture off the wall and smash it to pieces because her words, those are not from my daughter but from a stranger intent on delivering crushing blows just as my abuser did to me. I don't want to look up at the photo hanging on the wall to see her sweet angelic face while hearing her evil words and picturing her with a sneer just as evil upon her face. The face that grew inside my belly for 9 months, the face I gazed upon with love after pushing her out. The face I've known for 19 years. The face I've wiped tears from her eyes, and the face I've layered sweet kisses upon her cheeks. No her face is now a face of ugliness and hatred and I can't just stand here and take it, turn my cheek, I want to duck and dodge and come back swinging. I know this face of a "mean girl" because she stood here in my house with her fists bawled up at her sides, her jaw tightly clenched, her eyes filled with tears and her chin quivering as she took "their" side and demanded that I repair broken relationships with "them". This face, it pushed and prodded and blamed and accused. This face, it said "You are the one getting in the way of having a relationship with my grandma" as if I was the one who created this problem. This face, it gave me an ultimatum; either I choose to continue on living in denial of my abuse and coexist with my abusers or I lose her to those who abused me. This face, it said "I personally don't have a problem with the man who molested you". This face, it said "your life wasn't that bad, it's not like he raped you." And then, I told this face to get out, this face, was not the face of my Rachael, she had become "their" Rachael.
She continues to not be "my" Rachael as she spews these words of hatred and vehement anger toward me. It's been 10 months from the time she moved away and she is still angry, she blasts me with texts stating that I am a worthless mother and human being. She tells me I am not even deserving of motherhood when all I ever wanted to do or be was a mom. When I sacrificed everything in my life at the tender age of 18 to become her mom. When I could have opted for the "easy way out" but instead chose her life over mine. When I could have listened to the boy I thought I loved when he threatened to leave me, making it clear if I was to have our baby, he was walking away because he didn't want to be a father yet. I chose her. I lost him, I gained her. (It was a far better trade off.) I lost the rest of my "childhood" because let's face it, at 18 we are still just kids ourselves. At 18, I was experiencing my first taste of freedom from my the rules of my dictator/abuser/parent and just 3 months after turning 18 and achieving this freedom, I became pregnant. But still...I chose her. I chose to have her despite that I knew it would be difficult and I would be alone. I chose to have her because from the minute I knew she was in my belly; I loved her. I chose to have her even though my childhood had endured abuse and uncertainty and I would be entering parenthood without the skills to succeed. I thought love was enough. If I just loved her, and took care of her it would all be ok. I thought if I just did things differently than my parents, her life would be better than mine.
I guess I was wrong. Now 19 years later instead of love and appreciation for not ending her life I am told that I am worthless. Instead of understanding for what I went through and knowledge that I did my best I am told that she wishes I were dead. Instead of accepting my apologies for my mistakes and shortcomings I am told she wishes I would have succeeded in my suicide attempt. So yesterday after dropping my son off at school when I pull into the garage, the "scene of the crime" where I tried to take my life two years ago, I'm haunted by her words and I wonder...would we all be better off, is that the answer to escape this pain and heartache?
I choke back a sob as I reach to turn the keys in the ignition to off because I hear loud and clear the answer to that is "NO". I am needed and loved and would be missed. I am valued and appreciated; words that come from my beloved husband and my son who both give me thanks and praise daily because they have soft tender hearts whose love language is most definitely words of affirmation.
Life would not be better if I wasn't in it.
But I fear I have no cheeks left to turn. My face and my heart are raw and wounded. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, just one more spiteful word or hurt and I might snap back into the belief that I'm no good in this world. I fear one more slap to my face and stab to my heart and I will spring back into the fighting stance.
Again I'm reminded of what those days of battling were like and that I have given the fight over to the One who already won. So like always, I keep going. I press on. I persevere. Sure I took a "mental health" day this week in which I told my husband I didn't have it in me to cook, clean or care and he sweetly brought home tv dinners to feed us supper. Yesterday I cleaned and cooked, today I care.
All those years ago when my abuser tried to break me down into nothing, when his words ate away at my soul and his belittling eroded my self-worth; what was actually happening was that I was building an immunity that would someday turn into formidable strength and determination. He'd say I'm "too thin skinned" as if it was a bad thing. Hows about I'm sweet and compassionate as compared to his cold reptilian heart. When he called me 'duh' instead of my name, it made me love my name even more. Brandi means 'beacon light'. When I'm on fire...watch out world...this girl is gonna shine bright.
So go ahead, daughter of mine...spew your words of hatred, but I will turn my cheek again and again and forgive you and love you from afar. But nothing you can say will change my will to live. And with this determination to live my life to it's fullest; embracing love with my heart wide open, I have learned to love back. And I love you, and I always will no matter how much you hurt me. Sure, I might get angry back for a little while...but in the end I am the one who rises above and forgives. Apparently that is what thin skinned people do, because my thin skin has allowed love and light to shine into it and in turn reflect from me empathy and compassion for others; my thin skin has given me the ability to absorb not only the bad but all the light and joy in this world and I would rather be "thin skinned" than coated in thick scales like the snake that uttered those words and tried to shape me into something else than what I was created to be.
Maybe it's ok that none of "this" is black and white. Maybe I need to live in the gray for a while. Allow myself the freedom to heal, decide for myself what path is best, even make a few more mistakes to learn and grow from. Maybe with loved ones and matters of the heart it's not all black and white. Will I ever turn my back on my first born child, my flesh and blood, my baby girl? No. Will I continue to accept her tormenting words. No. I told her if she spoke to me that way again, I would block her number for a while. Now it's quiet. No more texts. Time to heal, room to breathe again. In the gray.
Maybe the place where black and white turn to gray is where the rain comes, bringing tears of grief and sorrow but only for a short while because the sun is always there in the sky and eventually the gray dissipates and then the rainbows shine brightly with every color of creation; where nothing is black and white but instead brightly colored and brilliant in the sunlight. Warmth and beauty that I can absorb with my thin skin and spread to others!
Kutless - What Faith Can Do
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
I stumbled upon your blog, I’m not even sure how actually and something compelled me to read it in entirety.
ReplyDeleteIt’s obvious you are hurting. As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional household with a parent who had mental illness (severe depression) and addiction (alcoholism), I can understand that need to heal and the lifelong affects it has on a person. It’s no easy feat to survive your past. And I’m also seeing something perhaps you may be overlooking while you are in this mode of healing. I’m seeing many “I”s in this particular post, so it’s clear your focused inward, which isn’t good or bad (there’s no judgment there), however, it’s possibly just skewing your perspective a little. I'd suggest you try to look at it from your child's perspective.
While you were as you admitted unwell and “useless to your family” --- that had to have profoundly impacted your own children during such formative years, much like your abuse had a profound impact you as a child. Just as you feel anger and hurt over what happened to you, perhaps consider your child may have similar emotions about what she has experienced that she will also need to work through as well. Much like you are asking for patience and kindness, your child will also be in need of the same. Being the child of a parent with mental illness is not easy, and it’s easy to feel unloved. It’s hard to understand the imbalance of brain chemistry and how it impacts a person’s actions. All they know is that their parent may have said mean things or done awful things or not been there when they needed them. They often grow up wondering what they did to cause it or how they could’ve acted differently to prevent it…it’s very similar to children who were abused. Much like it’s taken you many years to accept your abuse, it may take her many years to accept hers. You cannot force her to accept it on your terms.
My advice: Be the mother you wish your mother had been to you. Own up to your mistakes without blaming your own childhood or comparing her childhood to yours. What she feels is all hers, let her feel it. Let her know that you made mistakes; that you may have said and done things to her that you are ashamed of. Let her know that while you wish you could go back in time and be a different healthy, well mother…you can’t. What’s done is done, and all you can do is move forward. Let her know you are working on being a better person as you clearly are, but will continue to make mistakes as humans do. Ask for her forgiveness, ask for her patience and provide both in return. If you feel like you’ve done all that already, do it again. And again. And give her time to process it, and hopefully one day she’ll accept it. As the parent, it’s your job to create the relationship you want to have with your child. It’s your job to create the atmosphere that allows her to trust you again, because I promise you the trust is broken. Bury the past, both yours and hers, and start to build the future you want to with your child.
Part one...since my reply is too long lol
ReplyDeleteWow, that was a lot to digest. Admittedly I was slightly offended when I first read it, because that as breathing is involuntary so is a defensive reaction. But after reading a second and third time I was able to see that your words weren't meant to "attack" but merely to raise a point of view. I understand what you are saying and agree with some. However with your small window into my world, having only the information you read in this one blog post, you have only a tidbit of information to go by. Still I appreciate your perspective especially in light of your own personal experience.
Firstly, I have asked my daughter to explain what she is so angry about and I have yet to actually hear anything concrete or discernible...she is so angry that her perception is quite skewed. It doesn't help either that she is in close contact with my abuser and the one who enabled the abuse...which means they are able to continue doing what they do best. Play on her sympathies and attempt to discredit me by any means possible.
It was quite unfortunate that her leaving home coincided with the breaking of my silence and facing my childhood abuse. Because of this everything is quite muddled and that much more emotional.
With that being said, while I still feel she could expound more on her reasons for anger (and honestly feel she won't because she knows deep down inside the real reason she is so angry is simply because I am angry with my own mother) we have sent emails back and forth and to every hurt she's expressed, I apologized. I validated her feelings, I honored her pain and I said sorry without comparison or deflection. I DID do what I wish my mother could do for me. Still it's not good enough. So hopefully it is just time she needs.
part two...
ReplyDeleteIn response to my blog containing "I" a lot, this is my blog...this is probably where I felt the most defensive...I blog for my own healing. It has been an incredible aid for this journey I am on. So of course, it is "about me" at this point.
Thank you for your heartfelt response, I agree with most of what you said except for this one point. I will NEVER bury my past. Burying sexual abuse is exactly what causes this whole problem in the first place. If we educate, inform, and empower people the incidents of sexual assault/abuse would diminish considerably. And in the event that a child is still harmed, if we teach youth to come forward, use their voice and speak out, the damage done to them would be lessened by seeking help sooner rather than later like me. 20+ years is a LONG time to carry the burden I have carried. It's a long time to face my abuser and continue on as if he never did anything wrong to me, it's a long time to continue being in a toxic relationship and emotionally abused. It's a LONG time to hear my own mother defend his actions and words over and over. It wasn't until I faced this head on that I began to heal. I will never act as if it didn't happen, I will never bury my head in the sand and sweep this under the rug. It has shaped me and made me who I am and for the first time ever I like me. That took unburying the past to happen. Because with each shovel of dirt that uncovered from my past, I regained my worth, value and self respect. Your advice to "bury the past" is the worst advice ever for a survivor of sexual assault/abuse. Uncovering it is what helped me move on and live in the here and now, instead of the past. Maybe saying "don't live in the past" sounds better, but still...in this sensitive situation, it's better not to tell someone what to do at all. Each person's journey in life through their trials, triumphs, traumas and hurts is different. No one can dictate when is the right time to "move on" for another. Which is exactly what I haven't told my daughter "get over it"...but instead I've continued to send love and encouragement her way. She's too blinded with negative to receive it yet. So I will wait. For however long it takes.
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2011/10/30/forgetting-about-abuse-who-does-that-really-serve/
ReplyDeleteEricka - I'm going to be blunt. Your lengthy "reply", especially for someone who does not know Brandi, reeks of self righteousness. I'm not sure what qualifies you as a life coach or therapist - in fact, are you even a victim of sexual abuse? I think your reply was not consciously malicious, I believe that you believe you were just being nice and offering someone advice - YOUR advice. However - sexual abuse victims are told over and over to "be quiet", "don't say anything" or "keep our mouths shut" - years after the abuse, we are still told these same things but in "nicer" terms. We have learned that those who tell us to "bury the past" ie- "shut your mouth", are people who feel uncomfortable with our truths. We are finally learning that OUR feelings comes first - and for anyone to ask us to do anything different with those feelings (to bury them) are simply asking us to put their feelings first. I say, too bad. Brandi has begun healing by doing the exact opposite of that advice - by speaking up and out. Burying the past only allows that past to rot beneath the soil of our skin. And we become a vessel of destructive decomposition. That is not healing. That is dying. Think before you speak so grandly next time.
ReplyDeleteEricka,
ReplyDeleteMy immediate reaction when someone says to "put it behind you" is "Congratulations. You must not have endured this childhood sexual abuse." This is wonderful, so seriously - congratulations. On the other hand, it also usually means a slightly callous attitude, which is what is clearly on display here. I realize from your response you're trying to "help" Brandi understand why her children would turn their backs on her. But you are flat wrong.
Just as abusers do, you are heaping yet another serving of blame on Brandi. You've basically just told her that because she was abused she probably has mental illnesses and her child has had enough. That's illogical crap and you know it. If Brandi has issues due to her childhood sexual abuse, why oh why would you think continuing to stay quiet would somehow fix that? I'm willing to bet that Brandi's daughter is angry because Brandi's abuser is someone her daughter loves and doesn't want to imagine is capable of anything so brutal. I've personally lost about 85% of my family for the simple fact that I told the truth, and it took me 35 years to do it because I feared it would happen.
Instead of a long, drawn out explanation, here's an article I wrote last year for The New Agenda explaining why this is really just another version of shaming victims. Maybe that will give you some perspective:
http://www.thenewagenda.net/2012/02/15/keep-your-suffering-to-yourself-shaming-victims-into-silence/
Good luck to you Ericka.
And to Brandi I want to say this: congratulations. The healing journey is an ongoing process. It is hard, I won't lie. But I've always said, cheesy as it is, you can't dance in the light at the end of the tunnel
if you don't get up and move toward it. Tunnels can be dark and scary. You might trip and fall, scrape your knee. It's okay to sit and rest a bit. But whatever you do, get back up and keep moving, keep moving, keep moving!!! I PROMISE you it is SO worth the effort!!! xoxo
One more thing... If your house is broken into and you are robbed blind, no one tells you not to talk about it. No one will say to you "don't go to the police station and file a report." If you are in a serious car accident and are paralyzed, no one would dare say to you, "Oh, come on. Why are you still in a wheelchair?" And it would be unconscionable to tell a returning soldier to "just let go of your anger" and question why s/he needs help.
ReplyDeleteIn our society only survivors of childhood abuse are told to get over it, stop talking about it, stop blaming your problems on your childhood. It is wrong - dead wrong.
When something awful happens to you, you have the right to talk about it. Keeping something inside only bottles it up. It festers. You can't get rid of it unless you pour it out.
Rachel and Edee, I know I commented to you on facebook, but I wanted to thank you here as well; thank you from the bottom of my mending heart for your words of validation and affirmation! I'm so blessed to have met you both and appreciate your support more than words can express!
ReplyDeleteoh Brandi, i can't even imagine. that must be so hard. may the Lord redeem your relationship with your daughter in full. thank you for sharing so transparently with imperfect prose. love, e.
ReplyDeleteThank you Emily!
DeleteYes, life has had it's share of hard times for me, but I'm finally able to accept it and know that God is using it for good! He really can bring beauty from ashes and turn our sorrows into blessings!
Now if I can only remember that next time I'm in the throes of despair...
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to link up on Imperfect Prose! I am always blessed by your blogs!
God Bless you Em!
xoxo Brandi
hi Brandi, i stumbled upon your post by imperfect prose,first of all,u are blessed child of God Brandi, at such a young age you choose to give birth to your daughter where in this world people are so much into abortion,and you are such a great mom.God bless.
ReplyDeleteHi Anu, glad you stopped by! Thank you for your kind words. (and the reminder that I am a child of God!-that is what gets me through the hard days!)
DeleteGod Bless you!
Wow. That's a whole lot of judgement YOU folks are putting on ME, and you don't even know me either.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I was never saying ignore your abuse. The "bury the past" comment was about the past you've shared with your child. I meant, you can't move forward building a new relationship with your daughter until you put the past you shared behind you. That's all.