Let Your Burdens Come Undone

I'm starting to see the patterns more clearly.  Something happens that triggers a ptsd response and try as I might to "deal" with it in a healthy way, years of repressed grief are difficult to just let go of, so my mind body and soul do what they have always done; try to bury it.  Part of that is normal.  How can I function if I'm crying daily?  There are always meals to cook (or at the very least decide on and order out for!) Laundry to wash, fold and let sit in baskets (let's be real here), dishes to rinse, stack and wash later, bills to pay, checkbooks to balance, budgets to set... you get the picture.

I'm getting better at allowing myself freedom to release my feelings but I'm not all the way there yet, so when the last fight with my daughter occurred I allowed myself a few tears and then promptly put my emotions on the back burner and went about my usual routine.  What happened next is what inevitably happens.  I experienced a short bout of depression, during which I began to suffer with an excruciating pain in my neck/spine.  I have a long history with chronic pain and when it strikes I become quickly hopeless because it's debilitating. Thankfully I found  a new chiropractor who has been helping me and the pain has been greatly alleviated.  This lifted my state of despondency quickly since it gave me hope.  

With less pain, and the vibrant colors of Autumn on the horizon and a spring in my step I jumped into a happy-go-lucky upswing with such an extreme urge to live fully that I experienced a bout of mania...some impulsive shopping.  (hey no judging I limited myself to the dollar store and decorated my house for Autumn!) I was truly on a life high, shopping, crafting, planning and living. For an entire week I was on the go, staying up late, not getting much sleep, waking up early and staying busy busy busy. I then spent a fun filled weekend with my dear cousin, staying up til the wee hours of the morning giggling, talking and bonding. We of course slept very little, and we had a few drinks and indulged in some rich food...all things I'm not accustomed to. But truly amazing fun and I can't wait to do it again!!! :)

By the time I arrived home Sunday evening I could feel the fatigue of the week setting in and by Monday by throat was sore...So I had done a number on my body and lowered my immune system. I didn't just catch a cold either, I caught a fricking walking dead zombie plague.  The mother of all viruses that turned bacterial.  16 days of misery.  5 days of fevers. 10 days of antibiotics.  Coughing, oh the coughing...I've probably developed some ab muscles from coughing.  I know I did some incidental kegels whilst coughing...

Two weeks of pain followed by two weeks of illness and my house was seriously trashed.  Talk about overwhelmed...I don't handle clutter well at all.  I like my home to be neat, tidy and sanitized. Anything less makes me feel out of sorts.

All this to say that I just spent the last day and a half marathon cleaning my house and am starting to feel like it's back in order and of course my pain level has shot back up with all the bending & lifting. There is no doubt in my mind that one type of pain triggers the other but I'm determined to not let physical pain (especially one acquired by productive cleaning) trigger a negative emotional response.
(wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I can prevent emotional pain from triggering physical pain??)

I decided to take a cleaning break and sit down at my computer, I felt like looking at some old blogs...and I came across this entry: When Black & White Turn to Gray which was about a fight with my daughter from last May. At the time I wrote this we hadn't spoken in almost a year, and it went on like that until Christmas.  We then slowly began to rebuild our relationship.  We spent some quality one on one time together, worked out some issues.  Did some shopping, got some lunches, coffees, had some girl time.  Fun. Love. Hugs. Mother-daughter time.  I thought we were on the road to restoration.  And then it just fell apart.  She had some issues.  She talked. I listened.  She vented. I validated.  She shared her hurts. I honored them. I apologized for what was mine. But it wasn't enough.  Her anger was visceral. Her words were again tinged with venom. She spewed hatred. She crossed boundaries. She blamed. She triggered me and I ultimately lost my cool. Now it's been quiet again.

This happened shortly before my neck pain started.  It feels like this fight was the same fight, she's mad and still saying hurtful things.  It's no wonder I had a ptsd response.  I feel like I have to continue defending my stance on why I'm angry with my abuser, why I'm hurt by the the one who enabled his abuse.  I just want to heal and move on but in some ways people won't let me.  How can anyone ask me to be in the same place as the man who molested me? The last thing I said to my daughter was that I don't know how to have a relationship with her while she is aligned with my abusers.  It was the single hardest text I've ever written.  I had to set a boundary for my own mental health, with my own child.  How fair is that? It's no wonder I'm hurting and my heartache is manifesting into bone & muscle pain.  I'm surprised I'm still standing.  It's absolutely breaking my heart.  It's literally ripping me in two.  I can't choose one over the other. What she's asking of me, would literally mean the undoing of all I've worked towards in my healing.  The undoing of my own personal sanity.  Yet, she is MY child. I want to choose her, sacrifice for her.  How can I do that and not come undone? I miss my baby girl.  I feel an emptiness inside, that I've been ignoring for fear that I will completely fall apart and not be able to to be put back together again. It's not natural for a mother to not see, hear, touch, hold, hug, kiss, love their own flesh and blood; not for days, weeks, months. This is not how motherhood is supposed to be.  It's just not.

(So of course as I wrote the above paragraph I bawled like a baby.  The line from the song He Knows by Jeremy Camp "let your burdens come undone" is where I struggle most when giving it to God...but when I'm writing, it all comes out.  That's why I blog!)

There is this peace in my heart about where I'm at in life despite all the pain and suffering. Ultimately I know it comes from the Holy Spirit, but I also believe that it's from accepting and being still and in the acceptance and stillness I know that He's working in my life.  I see all the beauty from ashes, all the strength from suffering, and all the character from perseverance.  I don't know what the future holds, but I know it holds a promise for good so I will keep on keepin on, taking one day at a time.

#HeKnows

Lyrics:
All the bitter weary ways
endless striving day by day
you barely have the strength to pray
in the valley low

how hard your fight has been
how deep the pain within
wounds that no one else has seen
hurts too much to show 

all the doubt you're standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees

HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS 
EVERY HURT AND EVERY STING
HE HAS WALKED THE SUFFERING
HE KNOWS, HE KNOWS
LET YOUR BURDENS COME UNDONE
LIFT YOUR EYES UP TO THE ONE
WHO KNOWS
HE KNOWS

we may faint and we may sink
feel the pain and near the brink
but the dark begins to shrink
when you find the one who knows

the chains of doubt that held you in between
one by one are starting to break free

every time that you feel forsaken
every time that you feel alone
He is near to the broken hearted
every tear
He knows…