Crying...

Ever have one of those days you just can't seem to stop crying?  Well I have a lot and tonight is one of them.

I JUST CAN'T STOP CRYING!!

Crying for me has always equaled depression, for that is when I thought I had cried the most.  Lately it seems like I'm shedding more tears than ever before. I believe it's because I'm finally understanding what they are falling for and I am free to feel emotions for the first time ever. And boy oh boy am I feeling: grief, loss, mourning, rejection, abandonment, sorrow, doubt, sadness and loneliness.

But to deny myself the opportunity to release my feelings, and give them to the only One who can Heal would keep me crying forever.  

So I say to these tears that flow tonight...let them fall like rain!

It's ok...

What if every time I let the tears fall He is right here?
What if I'm meant to feel His presence with each and every tear?
What if each drop that falls from my eyes are meant to heal with time?
What if every time I cry, He's telling me, "You are Mine"?
What if I remember this and freely let my tears fall?
What if I accept I am His beloved and not unloved at all?

I wait for His healing in my tears
I believe in His Comfort in my sorrows
I receive His blessings in my pain
I hope for His Joy for my tomorrows 

Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all  my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. 

Revelations 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying,  nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

When All Hope Seems Lost

I awoke at 3 am today, in too much pain to sleep.  I tossed & turned as much as one can with only 2 positions to sleep in that support my arm, but both brought severe pain.  Earlier this week I thought I had turned a corner as I stopped taking narcotic pain medicine but at 4 am I gave up on the idea of sleep and crept out to the living room, I gave in and took one.  

I've always experienced side effects of mood disturbances when I take pain medicines, so I've grown increasingly more despondent since my surgery and had hoped to wean myself off asap.  After a few days with no drugs in my system I could feel my mood lifting. I even stopped isolating; spending several hours on the phone with a friend Tuesday and yesterday I spent the morning with another friend who came over for a visit.  The clouds lifted both literally as the sun shone for a few days, and figuratively as my drug induced depression lifted and I rejoined the human race. 

Guess what's back today?  Gray skies and rain along with a sad empty feeling of hopelessness. Fitting.

It's not just my physical pain and emotional turmoil that brings me down, it's everything and everywhere. I don't know how much more my soul can handle.  With nothing but devastation in the world around us and unrelenting news stories of tragedy, I feel no hope for a brighter tomorrow.  Monday's bombings mean more terrorism on US soil, a place that once felt safe no longer does.  Last night's explosion in Texas brings more loss of life, more pain, more tears.  

It begs the question "Where is God in all of this?", which has always been a query I've been unable to answer leaving me feeling like a pathetic excuse for a Christian...for how can I witness without an answer for all of this?  How do I tell an unbeliever something I fail to understand?  

How do I tell a family member where God is when she just gets saved and then loses her Grandfather?  How do I tell a friend where God is when she loses her parent?  How do I tell a friend where God is when she loses her unborn baby?  How can I do that when I can't tell you where God was when I was molested?  Or where God was when I was rejected time and again?  Or where the hell God is now that I am abandoned by my own mom?  Where is God in this cruel world, when my own flesh and blood wants nothing to do with me?  Where are you God? Where?

I'm no stranger to depression and the desire to escape it's grip with "plan B".  I can't tell you how many times I have planned to end my life to escape the pain I feel; to escape the hopelessness that grows so dark that it threatens to swallow me whole. That is no way to live and as it becomes unbearable, finding a way out seems like the only viable option.  

All I can say is is this: In the face of the ever-present evil in this world, no matter the prevalence of disease, famine, poverty, and devastation, despite how much grief I feel; one small flicker of hope remains.  It is my belief that this earth shall pass and there will come a day with no more pain, no more tears, just endless joy for all of eternity.  And when I realize the reason I can look forward to this future, I'm reminded of His sacrifice that gives me this open invitation to paradise.  When I'm reminded of His love and grace, I'm convicted to live a life worthy of His sacrifice and that is when my hope grows brighter.  It's a daily renewal, and some days by my own weakness I give into despair and then when all hope seems lost I find myself at the same crossroad time and time again, at the foot of the Cross, where... 
* I bring my heart to everyday and run the risk of fearlessly loving without running away.  

*Jason Gray lyrics*

Loved By Choice

When I dream it's like watching a movie; at certain parts I  am squinting as though I have a muddled view through a camera lens.  In other instances the image is vibrant and clear and I feel like I am the one starring in the film.  Friday night I dreamed I was adopted.  The faces of those who chose me as their own were blurred, but the love radiated was so tangible I felt as if it was my story and I was in the scene.  I knew they went out of their way to choose me and they loved me so strongly that I awoke feeling the lingering warmth of their love.   Loved by choice, not by obligation were the words on my mind.  I wondered all day why I had this dream, and what it meant.

Last night in my dream I was out to lunch with my mom.  Some details were hazy such as where we were and who we were with; yet in one vivid still frame, with my eyes wide open she turned to me and coldly uttered the words "I hate you."

My mom has never spoken those words to me for real, just this once in the confines of my sleepy subconscious. I awoke with a heavy heart. Throughout the day I continued to feel the sadness draining me of my hope as I recalled the sting of those phantom words.  Words that echo in my dreams and reverberate in my heart, words unspoken yet expressed in actions.  

Abandonment
Rejection 
Betrayal  

Three words who's actions speak "I hate you" loud and clear.

I have left you, I no longer want you and I do not choose you.  It's no different than hearing "I hate you."

Today I am struggling to believe in who I am.  I am lost and alone.  I am torn apart and turned around. I am hollowed and empty.  I am barely breathing.  I am hardly holding on.   I am trapped inside my memories of a life I can't leave behind.  I am a little girl.  

I am a little girl from a broken home; 
I am abandoned.  I am rejected. I am lost and alone.
I am a little girl with a shattered heart; 
I am forced to choose.  I am twisted and torn apart.
I am a little girl in a new family; 
I am hoping and praying for someone to love me for me.
I am a little girl and I am not one of them; 
I am the black sheep and I am not fitting in.
I am a little girl who is taunted mocked and teased; 
I am not his kid, with nothing is he pleased.
I am a little girl grown up before my time;
I am not the owner of my body, or the keeper of my mind.
I am a little girl I am needing to be loved;
I return again and again but I am only to be shoved.
I am a little girl I am the one to blame; 
I am at fault for continuing to take part in his game.
I am a little girl with a secret to bear; 
if I break my silence rejection will be all I am to hear.

Today as I recall last night's dream, I know why I dreamt it; I feel as if my mom hates me.  I believe The Lord gave me the other dream to remind me that I am His beloved. 
I am loved by choice, not obligation.

I am a little girl my life is not my own; 
I have entrusted it to Him who reigns from Heaven's Throne.
I am a little girl a daughter of The Risen King; 
He is my Heavenly Father Who's truth in me will ring.
I am a little girl Chosen and called by name;
I am His lost sheep and He will show me the way.

I am a little girl belonging to the Son; 
the One who shed His blood for me, then whispered "it is done".