When All Hope Seems Lost

I awoke at 3 am today, in too much pain to sleep.  I tossed & turned as much as one can with only 2 positions to sleep in that support my arm, but both brought severe pain.  Earlier this week I thought I had turned a corner as I stopped taking narcotic pain medicine but at 4 am I gave up on the idea of sleep and crept out to the living room, I gave in and took one.  

I've always experienced side effects of mood disturbances when I take pain medicines, so I've grown increasingly more despondent since my surgery and had hoped to wean myself off asap.  After a few days with no drugs in my system I could feel my mood lifting. I even stopped isolating; spending several hours on the phone with a friend Tuesday and yesterday I spent the morning with another friend who came over for a visit.  The clouds lifted both literally as the sun shone for a few days, and figuratively as my drug induced depression lifted and I rejoined the human race. 

Guess what's back today?  Gray skies and rain along with a sad empty feeling of hopelessness. Fitting.

It's not just my physical pain and emotional turmoil that brings me down, it's everything and everywhere. I don't know how much more my soul can handle.  With nothing but devastation in the world around us and unrelenting news stories of tragedy, I feel no hope for a brighter tomorrow.  Monday's bombings mean more terrorism on US soil, a place that once felt safe no longer does.  Last night's explosion in Texas brings more loss of life, more pain, more tears.  

It begs the question "Where is God in all of this?", which has always been a query I've been unable to answer leaving me feeling like a pathetic excuse for a Christian...for how can I witness without an answer for all of this?  How do I tell an unbeliever something I fail to understand?  

How do I tell a family member where God is when she just gets saved and then loses her Grandfather?  How do I tell a friend where God is when she loses her parent?  How do I tell a friend where God is when she loses her unborn baby?  How can I do that when I can't tell you where God was when I was molested?  Or where God was when I was rejected time and again?  Or where the hell God is now that I am abandoned by my own mom?  Where is God in this cruel world, when my own flesh and blood wants nothing to do with me?  Where are you God? Where?

I'm no stranger to depression and the desire to escape it's grip with "plan B".  I can't tell you how many times I have planned to end my life to escape the pain I feel; to escape the hopelessness that grows so dark that it threatens to swallow me whole. That is no way to live and as it becomes unbearable, finding a way out seems like the only viable option.  

All I can say is is this: In the face of the ever-present evil in this world, no matter the prevalence of disease, famine, poverty, and devastation, despite how much grief I feel; one small flicker of hope remains.  It is my belief that this earth shall pass and there will come a day with no more pain, no more tears, just endless joy for all of eternity.  And when I realize the reason I can look forward to this future, I'm reminded of His sacrifice that gives me this open invitation to paradise.  When I'm reminded of His love and grace, I'm convicted to live a life worthy of His sacrifice and that is when my hope grows brighter.  It's a daily renewal, and some days by my own weakness I give into despair and then when all hope seems lost I find myself at the same crossroad time and time again, at the foot of the Cross, where... 
* I bring my heart to everyday and run the risk of fearlessly loving without running away.  

*Jason Gray lyrics*