I'm having this problem now. Where does one draw the line between following scripture's command to "turn the other cheek" and setting healthy boundaries in the name of self preservation?
I feel like Christians would say if we are following Jesus's commands, we just keep turning despite that our face is bloody and raw from all the slapping.
Society on the other hand does a lot of talking about self-love in the name of mental health and wellness; a concept which I struggled to understand and accept until it was explained to me this way: when on an airplane being given emergency instructions you are told to put your oxygen mask on first before trying to help another because if you lose consciousness you are of no help to anyone else.
This makes perfect sense, because in life, we have to be healthy first before we can be any good to anyone else. This resonates with me on a deep and personal level; after years of not being mentally well in which I felt I was useless to my family. I had to "get well" before I could be a better wife and mom.
So what if the toxic words of people in my life are tempting me back into that place of un-wellness? Is it then that I take a step back and no longer "turn the other cheek"?
There is just something about receiving hurtful words that make me want to stop turning my cheek. They make me want to lace up the boxing gloves and get back into the ring to fight the fight I've been battling for years. But I vowed to take off those gloves and give the fight to God because I learned after years of using fight or flight response as my only defense that not only was it not working, it was no longer necessary. I am safe. I am loved. I belong. I am worthy.
But when a texting battle between me and my first born knocks the wind out of me, it brings be back to this place of undeniable hurt and suffering where I want to draw a line in the sand; a defensive line to stand behind in the heat of battle and I want to take up arms and guard my heart. I want to take her picture off the wall and smash it to pieces because her words, those are not from my daughter but from a stranger intent on delivering crushing blows just as my abuser did to me. I don't want to look up at the photo hanging on the wall to see her sweet angelic face while hearing her evil words and picturing her with a sneer just as evil upon her face. The face that grew inside my belly for 9 months, the face I gazed upon with love after pushing her out. The face I've known for 19 years. The face I've wiped tears from her eyes, and the face I've layered sweet kisses upon her cheeks. No her face is now a face of ugliness and hatred and I can't just stand here and take it, turn my cheek, I want to duck and dodge and come back swinging. I know this face of a "mean girl" because she stood here in my house with her fists bawled up at her sides, her jaw tightly clenched, her eyes filled with tears and her chin quivering as she took "their" side and demanded that I repair broken relationships with "them". This face, it pushed and prodded and blamed and accused. This face, it said "You are the one getting in the way of having a relationship with my grandma" as if I was the one who created this problem. This face, it gave me an ultimatum; either I choose to continue on living in denial of my abuse and coexist with my abusers or I lose her to those who abused me. This face, it said "I personally don't have a problem with the man who molested you". This face, it said "your life wasn't that bad, it's not like he raped you." And then, I told this face to get out, this face, was not the face of my Rachael, she had become "their" Rachael.
She continues to not be "my" Rachael as she spews these words of hatred and vehement anger toward me. It's been 10 months from the time she moved away and she is still angry, she blasts me with texts stating that I am a worthless mother and human being. She tells me I am not even deserving of motherhood when all I ever wanted to do or be was a mom. When I sacrificed everything in my life at the tender age of 18 to become her mom. When I could have opted for the "easy way out" but instead chose her life over mine. When I could have listened to the boy I thought I loved when he threatened to leave me, making it clear if I was to have our baby, he was walking away because he didn't want to be a father yet. I chose her. I lost him, I gained her. (It was a far better trade off.) I lost the rest of my "childhood" because let's face it, at 18 we are still just kids ourselves. At 18, I was experiencing my first taste of freedom from my the rules of my dictator/abuser/parent and just 3 months after turning 18 and achieving this freedom, I became pregnant. But still...I chose her. I chose to have her despite that I knew it would be difficult and I would be alone. I chose to have her because from the minute I knew she was in my belly; I loved her. I chose to have her even though my childhood had endured abuse and uncertainty and I would be entering parenthood without the skills to succeed. I thought love was enough. If I just loved her, and took care of her it would all be ok. I thought if I just did things differently than my parents, her life would be better than mine.
I guess I was wrong. Now 19 years later instead of love and appreciation for not ending her life I am told that I am worthless. Instead of understanding for what I went through and knowledge that I did my best I am told that she wishes I were dead. Instead of accepting my apologies for my mistakes and shortcomings I am told she wishes I would have succeeded in my suicide attempt. So yesterday after dropping my son off at school when I pull into the garage, the "scene of the crime" where I tried to take my life two years ago, I'm haunted by her words and I wonder...would we all be better off, is that the answer to escape this pain and heartache?
I choke back a sob as I reach to turn the keys in the ignition to off because I hear loud and clear the answer to that is "NO". I am needed and loved and would be missed. I am valued and appreciated; words that come from my beloved husband and my son who both give me thanks and praise daily because they have soft tender hearts whose love language is most definitely words of affirmation.
Life would not be better if I wasn't in it.
But I fear I have no cheeks left to turn. My face and my heart are raw and wounded. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, just one more spiteful word or hurt and I might snap back into the belief that I'm no good in this world. I fear one more slap to my face and stab to my heart and I will spring back into the fighting stance.
Again I'm reminded of what those days of battling were like and that I have given the fight over to the One who already won. So like always, I keep going. I press on. I persevere. Sure I took a "mental health" day this week in which I told my husband I didn't have it in me to cook, clean or care and he sweetly brought home tv dinners to feed us supper. Yesterday I cleaned and cooked, today I care.
All those years ago when my abuser tried to break me down into nothing, when his words ate away at my soul and his belittling eroded my self-worth; what was actually happening was that I was building an immunity that would someday turn into formidable strength and determination. He'd say I'm "too thin skinned" as if it was a bad thing. Hows about I'm sweet and compassionate as compared to his cold reptilian heart. When he called me 'duh' instead of my name, it made me love my name even more. Brandi means 'beacon light'. When I'm on fire...watch out world...this girl is gonna shine bright.
So go ahead, daughter of mine...spew your words of hatred, but I will turn my cheek again and again and forgive you and love you from afar. But nothing you can say will change my will to live. And with this determination to live my life to it's fullest; embracing love with my heart wide open, I have learned to love back. And I love you, and I always will no matter how much you hurt me. Sure, I might get angry back for a little while...but in the end I am the one who rises above and forgives. Apparently that is what thin skinned people do, because my thin skin has allowed love and light to shine into it and in turn reflect from me empathy and compassion for others; my thin skin has given me the ability to absorb not only the bad but all the light and joy in this world and I would rather be "thin skinned" than coated in thick scales like the snake that uttered those words and tried to shape me into something else than what I was created to be.
Maybe it's ok that none of "this" is black and white. Maybe I need to live in the gray for a while. Allow myself the freedom to heal, decide for myself what path is best, even make a few more mistakes to learn and grow from. Maybe with loved ones and matters of the heart it's not all black and white. Will I ever turn my back on my first born child, my flesh and blood, my baby girl? No. Will I continue to accept her tormenting words. No. I told her if she spoke to me that way again, I would block her number for a while. Now it's quiet. No more texts. Time to heal, room to breathe again. In the gray.
Maybe the place where black and white turn to gray is where the rain comes, bringing tears of grief and sorrow but only for a short while because the sun is always there in the sky and eventually the gray dissipates and then the rainbows shine brightly with every color of creation; where nothing is black and white but instead brightly colored and brilliant in the sunlight. Warmth and beauty that I can absorb with my thin skin and spread to others!
Kutless - What Faith Can Do
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
