Prayer Request

3:00 pm tomorrow I'm having an arthroscopic manipulation procedure on my frozen right shoulder.  I will be given a nerve block and put under general anesthetic. The surgeon will make three small incisions on my arm, insert a scope to look for torn tendons or cartilage; and repair any damage he finds. I have lost about 45% range of motion requiring him to perform a capsule release. This is essentially breaking or tearing the muscle to loosen the bands of scar tissue that have formed.  (OUCH)

This surgery is the 6th time I've gone under the knife so I'm no stranger to surgery and pain. At 22 I had a tonsillectomy and thought it was the worst pain EVER but the pain that followed years later made it pale by comparison.

In spring of 2006, at 28 I underwent a hysterectomy which knocked me on my butt for months.  I missed 8 weeks of work and returned for half days because I couldn't sit at my computer for 8 hours. My belly button remained tender forcing me to wear stretchy pants for what felt like forever.

In November of 2009 I had shoulder surgery on my left arm. (same procedure as tomorrow)  Two years prior to this I saw a plethora of specialists; two orthopedic surgeons, neurologist, neurosurgeon, and a neck & spine specialist. They all ordered imaging of my neck and shoulder: xrays, ct scans and mri's. (Found bulging disks at C5/C6 and an unexplained abnormality on C4), I endured 2 rounds of painful physical therapy, received 3 cortisone shots and became a guinea pig with pain medicine.  

After two years of this I surpassed my pain limit and found an orthopedic surgeon willing to perform surgery. I developed a large muscle knot on my scapula and showed her minutes before being wheeled into surgery.  She believed it was a lypoma but said it was unrelated to the procedure she was about to do. I think the knot prevented her from completely stabilizing my scapula while releasing the capsule. At my followup she was surprised that my arm had stiffened as she noted the full range of motion had been achieved during the procedure. This knot continued to prevent me from healing properly resulting in  8 weeks of unsuccessful physical therapy as well as more pain and suffering.

In 2010 I saw a physical rehabilitation specialist. She injected me with lidocaine and ordered more PT which included massage therapy; finally the knot started to loosen and I was able to acquire an increased range of motion.  After 10 weeks with considerable pain and much improvement, we still couldn't get 100% range of motion   The therapist was puzzled; out of ideas she proceeded to crank on my arm forcing it past it's limit.  This was the most excruciating pain I had endured thus far!  It felt like she was going to literally snap my bones.  Needless to say I never went back.  After a year of babying my arm it finally returned to normal.  

Summer of 2011 I landed in the ER in need of an appendectomy.  More trauma to my abdomen which had recently stopped feeling tender. Normal recovery for this procedure is a few short weeks.  As my husband reminds me, he was back to work a week later.  Not me.  By my 4 week followup I was experiencing sharp pains and the doctor was concerned.  He ordered a ct and found that I had developed an incisional hernia requiring more surgery.   I had back to back abdominal surgeries within 8 weeks.

To this day I still have tenderness after physical activity.  Last fall I joined the gym, within a few months I started having severe pains in my abdomen.  The pain radiated from the location where my uterus had been; reminding me of the post op recovery from hysterectomy  My ob-gyn guessed I had scar tissue and offered to perform an exploratory surgery for confirmation. If scarring had occurred from hysterectomy she could repair it, but if I had abdominal adhesions from appendectomy she would have to call in a general surgeon to remove them.   I could not bear the thought of enduring more abdominal incisions and feared it would begin a vicious cycle of cutting leading to more scar tissue.  I decided to try restricting my activity and once I did my pain lessened.  Sadly this meant I needed to stop attending  the classes I loved at the gym.  

I had been enjoying my routine of  working out despite that I was experiencing pain in my right shoulder.  The more I worked out, the more it hurt, but I was gaining strength.  When I quit because of my stomach pain, my arm locked up.  Last month my pain reached an unbearable level, waking me from sleep nightly.  Off I went to see an orthopedic surgeon, I explained the horrible experience with my left shoulder. After listening carefully he acknowledged that my experience was grueling and opted to skip over his usual protocol  and schedule surgery.  

To say I am nervous would be a huge understatement.  I'm overwhelmed with trepidation.  I've been nervously nauseated for 3 weeks.  I have no idea what to expect.  Will I wake up tomorrow after surgery with my right shoulder repaired and on the mend or will my body struggle to heal properly as it has in the past?

I've posted this to request prayer.  I trust that the Divine hand of God will be on the surgeon as he performs this procedure.  I need His hand to be on me as I heal.  I need to be delivered from this weakness my body has to develop scar tissue.  Please join with me in prayer!!

Matthew 18:20
Where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am with them.

The Science of Emotion

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that my emotional personality has often been “reactive”.       I liken it to Newton’s law of motion; for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Whereas the science of physics defines the laws of motion, the science of psychology defines the laws of emotion; for every emotional action there is an equal and opposite emotional reaction. 

Now I know there are some who would not define my emotional reactions as “equal and opposite” but rather as above and beyond.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been accused of “overreacting”.  To me, I was merely reacting to the emotion I felt inside. It was equal and very opposite.  My emotions were out of control and my reactions matched. Qualifying my reactions as “overreacting" felt like I was being told to not feel and honestly that only caused an even stronger reaction.

When a chemical imbalance interferes with a person’s receptors their reactions equal the force of their emotions.  Sometimes this imbalance is from a glands failure to produce the proper secretions of hormones, a common one is adrenal insufficiency.   We all are familiar with how adrenaline works as it comes into play with the body’s fight or flight response.  While the human body can be affected from within by an improper balance of hormones, it is can also be greatly affected when stimulated by outside factors such as intense fear or excitement.

Human personalities are made up of complex components.  The dynamics of who we become and how we react are more than simple genetics that can be explained by science. If that was the case we’d have a greater understanding as to why some of us develop chemical imbalances, while others don’t.  Or better yet why some of us exhibit the signs and symptoms of a chemical imbalance as associated with mental illness or mood disorder; yet blood work fails to prove an underlying hormonal imbalance.  This is where environmental factors come into play.  There is a direct link between mental illness and childhood abuse.

Abuse in early childhood has the tendency to alter the child’s development.  In the face of stress and fear the fight or flight response engages, causing a surge in adrenaline.  As this hormone floods the receptors it causes the victim to grow accustomed to this type of heightened response.  This becomes the mechanism in which a child copes with stress; greatly affecting the rate of maturity as the child transitions into adulthood.  This arrested development prevents an abuse victim from maturing into a person with the capacity to handle adult emotions as their stunted mental/emotional maturity compares to the reactions of a child.

Truth: Our center of alignment; state of peace and harmony.
Hurt: Our response when feeling hurt by someone’s words or actions.
Anger: Our response when we don’t share our true feelings.
Numb: Our response if we stay in “anger” and continue to deny our true feelings. Numbness is typically less painful than hurt and anger, so it’s common for most to reside in this state.

 *http://www.raisingarizonakids.com/2011/10/interpreting-your-childs-emotional-responses/

Unresolved traumas lead to depression. Depression isn't just “sadness” it’s an attempt to not feel that which hurts us emotionally and mentally.  It’s the body’s way to subconsciously numb the internal pain; which leads to an absence of healthy emotion.   In the absence of positive emotion, all that is left is negative emotion; depression.

 When a person is given a diagnosis of depression, the only way to truly break free from it; is a change in perception.  But it takes maturity and confidence to look at oneself with introspection and a child who’s been abused lacks those qualities.  As the victim continues through life their reactions remain equal to their emotions.

Persons who exhibits this inability to match their emotions with their reactions are commonly diagnosed with a mood disorders such as bipolar.  Bipolar disorder is known for its varying degrees of manic and depressive episodes.  Whether this disorder is from genetic defect as with a hormonal imbalance or from developmentally learned behaviors in childhood, the person suffers as their emotions are pulled in two opposite directions.   

Among the many problems associated with a diagnosis of mental illness or personality disorder is the crushing stigma that is affiliated with it.  These labels overshadow the person as incompetent, volatile and ill equipped to cope with life. When this analysis is given to an abuse victim it renders them helpless, thus preventing recovery and perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

A victim caught inside the ever turning cycle of abuse feels as if it’s impossible to break out of the “victim status” on their own.  It’s natural to form coping mechanisms to defend oneself; like with fight or flight.  This response describes what happens internally and externally.  Running in the face of fear is an action not unlike isolating.  Both responses get the person away from the stimulus.  Fighting in self-defense can be done with fists just as it can with words.  This is where a person could be seen as “reactive” in times of duress. 

I just described myself.  Anyone who knows me well enough knows that my emotional personality has often been “reactive”; and many never understood.  I hope this sheds some light on the science and logic behind personality disorders and human emotion. 

I now have a better understanding about what makes me, me.  This awareness has given me freedom to heal. Just as there are many dynamics that make up my personality there are many things at work, helping me to heal.  First and foremost is my faith.  Without the strength of my Savior and His redeeming grace I’d still be depressed and broken. Second is the unconditional love of my amazing husband.  He is my best friend, and the reason I am able to believe I am loved.  I also have a handful of life- long friends who offer their ears, shoulders and support.  Last but not least is my writing, which I've always done but until recently I didn't understand why.  It’s with undying gratitude to the group of Jesus-loving women that I've recently connected with; they have taught me to believe in myself and my God-given talent and purpose. 

What is the point to all of this?  Today in the face of an emotional action I was not “reactive”.  This isn't to say I didn't experience an equal and opposite emotional reaction, but I did so while lying face down on the floor crying out to God.  He immediately held me in His arms and calmed my broken spirit. 

  

I believe in Grace

I've recently joined a support group of Christian women who are using their writing as a means to work through life's hurts.  Each week we are given a writing prompt.  Last week's was meant to get us thinking about what we believe about ourselves, our life experiences and our faith.

It sounds like an easy question: "What do I believe?" But nothing is simple when wounds are involved. Answering this was hard for me because every belief that I've had about myself raises questions of self-doubt. When doubt steps in I hear an opposing view.  I have come to know this internal opposition as my inner dialogue.

  "The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice."         Peggy O'Mara

When I faced the abuse in my childhood I found the origin of my inner dialogue and it led me down a path of introspection, toward the beginnings of healing.  With that in mind I was prepared to do it again with this writing prompt; believing in the process and  that it will promote further healing.

I started with the things I allowed others to make me believe about myself: I’m hot and cold, I am up and down, and I go to extremes.  I’m over emotional and too sensitive.  I’m extremely needy, I’m difficult to love or completely unlovable.  I’m a pessimist, I’m a downer and I’m a whiner.  I complain too much, I make comparisons and I have a chip on my shoulder about my childhood.

That directed me to dig deep into what I believe about myself now: I am weak and strong.  I am stubborn and unyielding yet I can be flexible and pliable.  I am lovable and at times most difficult to love.  I am always moving forward and still sometimes frozen in place.  I am kind and caring when I’m not filled with rage and vengeance. I can be soft and compassionate, empathetic to a fault as well as hidden behind walls and hardened by my hurt.  I am expressive and passionate and yet closed off and numb. I am hopeless and still ever hopeful.  I am glass half empty alongside glass half full.

I no longer believe in the definitions given me by this world. The only one who defines me is the One who designed me. Whether I'm up or down, feeling faithful or forsaken I am who I am; designed by my Creator. In His eyes I am just as He planned. With Him I am broken but healed, flawed but forgiven, imperfect yet loved without condition. I am saved by His Grace. His Grace is sufficient.

When self doubt creeps back in and I hear that old inner dialogue speak up, all I have to remember is one thing that I believe that covers it all. The Grace of Jesus. His grace restores all of my false beliefs.

I Peter 5:10

And the God of all grace who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Words

I've been on both the giving and the receiving end of hurtful words.  I've been the one to instigate and I've been the one to retaliate.    In the past I found ways to justify my words because they originated from a place where feelings emanate from. Feelings that are true and real.  I've felt it necessary to defend myself when no one else did.  I've been driven to fight back when others words weren't true or just.

I think a lifetime of not being heard only made me louder and more volatile; after being tossed around with life's hurts and then silenced by others shame I was as explosive as a shaken soda. It took a small twist of the cap and my words bubbled over. And with my words came a sticky mess.  A mess I'm still cleaning up after, because words can't be taken back. Ever.

Hurtful words thrown like punches in the heat of battle.  I feel like my life's been a raging battle, with round after round of boxing with words. I'd duck and sway to miss words being thrown at me, and come up swinging with defensive blows back at my opponent. 

This battle with words has no winner. It just leaves the participants broken and bruised. 

I'm weary from this battle.  I'm broken and bruised and in need of reprieve.  

I'm taking the gloves off, giving the fight to God and resting in Him and His promises. 

Psalm 35:1-4
Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me.  Take up shield and buckler; arise and come to my aid.  Brandish spear and javelin against those who pursue me.  Say to my soul, I am your salvation." 


The fight to be heard is no longer of such necessity that I am screaming from a place of deep hurts, allowing anger and abrasive words to escape my lips.  I broke my silence and I've told my story. I've been nothing but brutally honest for I am an open book with nothing to hide. I've received validation, affirmation, love and acceptance from those who can give it.  Those who can't are not a reflection of me and will no longer define me or the words that come out of my mouth. 

When I speak I want to always speak with the love and truth of God.  

His Glory Revealed

The first day of spring is just a few days away, yet today I awoke to more freshly fallen snow. All around me now lies a layer of dirty white slush; covering the ground and hiding any hints of the coming spring.   I feel hopeless every winter as the cold dreary days drag on while holding the warmth of a new season at arm's length. When it fails to look  and feel like spring, it's easy for me to fear that it will never come and we will be doomed to live in a frozen tundra forever. (like in Narnia when the land was iced over from the witch's winter spell!)  

Today something happened that knocked the wind right out of me.   I experienced more than the usual emotional reaction, I literally felt a physical reaction from the sting of someone's words.  It reminded me of the way it feels when you get knocked in the stomach and lose your breath.   Without being able to intake air, it's impossible to breathe or speak. I felt all hope drain out of me leaving me breathless and without my voice. My voice, which I've recently found as I've worked through the trauma of my abusive childhood.  My voice, which has given me a connection to people who share with me their loving words of compassion, validation and affirmation.  I found my voice and I can't silence it now; not if I'm being true to myself. I will not go backwards and become silent again.  

I believe that I've been given a gift with my ability to express myself through my writing. I believe I am being called to use my gift as a means to serve others.  If I turn my back on it now I'd be doubting the Lord and forfeiting the plans He has for me. 

I'm going to quote words that I found very profound from my friend's blog: Relics of Grace


"When we fail to trust in the gifts that God has placed in us, we fail to move into the positions He has planned for us."  Lanette Haskins

http://lanettehaskins.blogspot.com/

Her words spoke to me when I first read them and today when I found myself filled with self doubt from an attempt to silence me, I was reminded of them again. 

1Peter 4:10-11
Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.  If anyone speaks  he should do it as one speaking the very words of God.  If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ.  To him be the glory and power for ever and ever. Amen.


When I felt the pain of those hurtful words and sensed myself swirling to familiar places of self doubt;  I experienced the same fear that arises in me when life brings more pain and sorrow.   Under a layer of hurt and sadness, life fails to look and feel like spring and it becomes difficult to believe that anything good lies around the corner. I fear I will be frozen inside forever and doomed to spend endless days under the shroud of my sadness. 

The next verse in I Peter 4:12-13 goes on to say: Dear, friends, do not me surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.  

Today I remembered all the beauty that has been blooming in my life and envisioned my heart like a tender spring bud hiding under the snow just waiting for it's time to bloom. 

Underneath today's layer of winter whiteness; in our dormant lawn and garden beds, lie tender shoots of new growth waiting for their glory to be revealed. 

Underneath today's layer of hurt; in my dormant heart, lie tender shoots of new growth, waiting for His glory to be revealed.  

That growth is my hope and my hope is in the Lord.  He is making all things new and beautiful for with Him nothing is wasted, not the last days of a cold winter or lingering pain from life's hurts.   "It's in the deepest wounds, that beauty finds a place to bloom."   (Jason Gray)

No matter how long the winter may seem to drag on spring will always come to Wisconsin; if only we are patient and wait out the winter storms.  Just as sure is the knowledge that pain will always bloom into something beautiful if we are patient and trust in God as we wait out life's storms.     

Now despite the exhausting after effects of an emotionally draining day I have a renewed joy, and I am rejoicing because in my sufferings His glory is being revealed.  

Today when I felt breathless I thought I wasn't going to have the strength to get out of my car and walk into my therapists office the above song was on the radio. 

I know I posted this video already, but it truly was the inspiration for beginning my blog as well as affirmation about the amazing things the Lord can do with our broken hearts. 

Hello My Name is...

Matthew West: Hello My Name is

Hello, my name is regret

I'm pretty sure we have met

Every single day of your life

I'm the whisper inside

That won't let you forget

Hello, my name is defeat

I know you recognize me

Just when you think you can win

I'll drag you right back down again

‘Til you've lost all belief

These are the voices, these are the lies

And I have believed them, for the very last time

Hello, my name is child of the one true King

I've been saved, I've been changed, 

And I have been set free

“Amazing Grace” is the song I sing

Hello, my name is child of the one true King

I am no longer defined

By all the wreckage behind

The one who makes all things new

Has proven it's true

Just take a look at my life

What love the Father has lavished upon us

That we should be called His children

I am a child of the one true King

Please allow me to introduce myself.  Hello my name is Brandi.  I am a Christian homemaker, wistful writer, born-again blogger and an aspiring author.  I'm married to my best friend and a mom of two. I have a love/hate relationship with cooking; some days I feel like an amazing chef but, other days I'm more of a fast food queen! I love to bake sweet treats for my family, almost as much as I love to eat them myself.  I have a serious sweet tooth! (oh and I love carbs!) I love to have a clean organized home, but I don't always have the energy to keep it that way.  (ahem...like now...dishes are piled high and the washer beeped hours ago!) I love artsy stuff but up until now I lacked the self confidence necessary to brave following my artistic side.  With my new found courage I have grand plans to try my hand at ceramics; I long to throw clay onto a spinning wheel and form beautiful pieces of pottery. I want to learn brush strokes; and splash colors onto canvas to create paintings of  breath-taking scenery.  And I need to learn how to still my hands in order to capture purposeful photographs of the beauty I see around me. 

I've made it through the long harsh winters of my life; the seasons of pain.  And this is the spring of new life; as beauty blooms. Welcome to my place to bloom. My hope is to bloom beauty into other's lives as I share the beauty that has blossomed in my life.

A Blog is Born Again

I began a blog a while back and eventually deleted it from existence.  I believe the work I did brought about self-reflection and eventually self-improvement but something was still broken inside of me.  I spent countless hours firmly planted in my computer chair writing/blogging/writing/blogging.  Time wasn't the only investment; I exhausted myself as I fervently poured everything I had into doing something I believed in.

I could devote an entire blog about what I believe in. But the one thing I failed to believe in all along was myself.  So I set out on a journey to get to the root of my self-doubt.

A series of events led me through the tangled snares of my past to the seeds of self-hatred.  At the heart was a bitter knot gnarled with anguish and pain. I felt like an amateur gardener ill equipped for the job at hand; hacking away at the ugly overgrowth of briar and bramble in an attempt to remove the choking weeds and find life.

A life of purpose.  A life of joy.

In order for beauty to spring forth I had to endure a season of pain.  Pain that tore me apart like the unrelenting claws of a garden tool and left me crying tears into the dirt; clinging to life with one small budding hope.  

I found a life filled with purpose and joy on the other side of wilting fields of sorrow.  I found a place to bloom.  This is that place and a blog is born again.

Jason Gray-Nothing Is Wasted

The hurt that broke you heart

And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope's a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow

(chorus)
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom 
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again

(chorus)
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

(Bridge)
When hope is more than you can bear
And it's too hard to believe it could be true
And your strength fails you halfway there
You can lean on me and I'll believe for you
And in time you will believe it too

(chorus)
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
Sometimes we are waiting
In sorrow we have tasted
But joy will replace it
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted