Mid-life Identity Crisis Averted

I've spent my entire life trying to figure out who I am.  I've been caught in the cycle of defining myself by my circumstances (past & present) or my accomplishments and failures.  My childhood endured trauma.  Does that mean my identity is tied to being a victim?  I've struggled to work through all the pain and anguish it takes to survive. Does that mean my identity is that of a survivor?  
I became a mom at 19.  Does that make me a teen mom? I married my husband at 19.  Does that make me child bride?  I never attended college after completing 12th grade. Does that make me uneducated? I worked some part time jobs in customer service and eventually landed a full time position in collections; complete with salary, benefits and room for growth potential.  Did that make me a career person?  Once I lost it, did that make me a dead beat?  How about that battle with depression, inpatient stay in a psyche hospital and subsequent outpatient work and ongoing therapy?  Am I a mental patient? I've made some major mistakes in my marriage.  As a mom.  As a friend. Daughter. Human.  Do these things define me?  

I thought they defined me.   Until recently.  I continually saw all of these as how I measured up, or failed to measure up.  For example, since my childhood sustained abuse and neglect, I arrived at the conclusion that I must be unlovable.  My identity=orphan 

When we define ourselves by things of this world we put our security on shaky ground.  Jobs can be lost, relationships can fall apart, people can leave, trust can be broken, money can be spent, careers can die, education can be a dead end, health can fail.  And on and on and on.  We can succeed, we can fall short. We can soar and we can crash.  There is only one absolute we can define ourselves by. God Never changes. 

Herbrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Recently I decided to take a much needed social media break to do some reflecting on God's word and spend more time in prayer. My family has re-committed to attending church again after not going for over a year, so I've also used this time to catch up on last years sermons. (which are conveniently available online.) Today's sermon was on identity. It reminded me of something I had written last year so I took a peek back at an older blog titled:  Loved By Choice

A year ago, I was on to something...even then I believe the Lord was trying to reach me where I was at, to let me know I was loved by Him without condition.  He knew I was hurting too much to read His word, so He met me in my dreams. But now, that I'm knocking on that door, and seeking His face and asking, He is answering the door with arms wide open, showing me His face, giving me the answers and the validation in every single prayer, every devotion and every scripture. 

(and let me just say, God IS awesome!)

Ephesians 1:3-8 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.  For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.  In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's Grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. 

That is Loved By Choice my friends.  It couldn't get any better than that.  

THIS is my identity:
I am HIS, He CHOSE me.  I have but ONE purpose.  To live for Him. To share His Good news and let His light shine.

He chose you too.  He gave His life for you too.  I don't know who will read this, but I trust that God gave me these words and it will reach who it needs to and I pray that these words will touch your heart.  None of these material things define you.  The love of a mighty God defines you and it was freely given long ago on Calvary's cross.  I serve a mighty God and He will meet you where you are at, and He will take all your hurt and He will use it for good. It's His promise.  And I believe it because it is what He is doing in my life.  Beauty from Ashes.  

Depression Awareness

It seems everywhere I look the whole world is filled with talk of the tragic suicide of comedian Robin Williams. Every news-feed, blogger, writer and twitter-er has hopped on the well-meaning band wagon with something to say. Heart felt condolences for his family and sad goodbyes for a well loved man with much notoriety for his many talents. 

I'm going to be brutally honest here.  It kinda pisses me off.  And here's why.  Why does it take the death of a celebrity for people to wake up and realize this nation is facing a huge problem?  Why does it take the suicide of a famous comedian for people to understand that many people who suffer from depression are in fact hiding behind a facade of humor?  Robin Williams was not some exception. I would be curious to know how many other prominent comedians who suffered the same fate used their talents to disguise their pain in the same way. (think back to the many great ones who have died of drug overdoses: John Belushi, Chris Farley to name a few) 

Comedy is an art.  For most people art is a form of therapy. But for many humor can also be a mask.  I know this too well myself.  Which means it's not just reserved for those with stardom but also for us regular joes. 

My therapist has laughed at me for 8 years.  She giggles so much at some of my sessions there should be a cover charge for her instead of the other way around. Or at the very least, I should require a two drink minimum. Seriously folks, I'm not even kidding.  We're talking comedy club level stuff. It's my mask.  I wear it well. Clearly my material is not up to Robin William's caliber, I don't have the stuff that makes a multi-millionaire with Hollywood movies & HBO specials. I'm certainly no comedian extraordinaire. I'm just your average Midwestern girl- funny-if you really know me.  But it's no secret, I use sassy, sometimes sardonic humor to hide my feelings. And I get laughs. 

I think Robin Williams was amazing.  He will be missed by many.  It's not those heartfelt messages that I am upset by.  It's the fact that it took his suicide as a much loved celebrity, for people to realize that we need to raise an awareness about depression and what it looks like. And it's my fear that regular people will still be overlooked.  

Not to mention the problem that exists with social media. Let's face it, as soon as the next big news story hits the feeds; all the internet buzz will die down and with it all the "awareness" and we'll be back to where we were. With little to no interest in the facts and the real people all around will be once again in the shadows back to suffering alone. The friends and family members who are the regular people around us daily suffering with severe depression will still be facing their demons alone. But they won't get noticed or recognized because they aren't famous. Everyone will just go about their busy lives paying no attention to; and often passing judgment on those "pathetic depressed people who can't get their act together and just get over it."  

For they are just the dregs of society. The unproductive ones and the many who drain our tax dollars. The addicts and the whores, the welfare moms and the mentally ill, the all those who just can't seem to hold down a job and are wandering aimlessly through life.  What about that bum on the corner who spends his only $ on booze or that grown adult who lives with their parents still or that stay-at-home-mom with grown kids who sits on her fat ass all day and watches tv and cries.    

Any one of these people could hide behind humor, or use any other mask to disguise their pain and then in one tragic night slip away from the world silently and no one would notice.  It won't matter when they take their life, because they didn't add so much to everyone's life with their comedy and movies and humor and inspirations like that of a celebrity. So we don't need to draw awareness to their hurts and their debilitating depression. We don't need to blog and twitter about them.  Just the ones with fame.  

The fact remains that these regular people feel just as alone as any depressed celebrity feels.  That is depression. Alone in a crowded room.  Alone in fame. Alone.

Let me tell you what I've learned from my first hand experiences:

Not all people who suffer with depression are mentally ill. Not all mentally ill people are depressed. They are not one in the same.  It's not a one size fits all diagnosis. 

Not all people who suffer with depression are addicted to drugs or alcohol.  Not all addicts are depressed. 

Not all people who suffer with depression have a chemical imbalance that drugs can fix.  In fact, many times anti-depressants make it worse.  Guess what, even IF and WHEN someone is lucky enough to find a medicine that works, it's not fool-proof.  There is no miracle drug, and it's certainly not without it's side effects. No matter what, depression rebounds.  That is the nature of this beast. Whether it's cyclical, situational, chemical, seasonal, post traumatic, it will inevitably be back. And just knowing that, is sometimes enough to trigger another episode strangely enough. 

Not all people who suffer with depression are ungrateful and without joy.  Nor do they "just"  need to pray and have faith.  Or "just" need Jesus.   Case in point: I've been a Christian my whole life. I've been with and without faith.  I've heard the very voice of God whisper in my ear. I've felt His presence so tangible I will NEVER doubt His existence again.   I've worshiped Him in good times and in bad, I've felt His hand on my head and His arms around me.  I've felt the Peace that passes all understanding and I've had Joy that overflows, but I've also wandered through the dry dessert, and waited in the wilderness and cried out to Him while lying with my face to the floor begging Him to free me from this pain & anguish.  I know God.  I have faith and yet I still have a black hole in my heart and an emptiness that I believe won't be filled until I'm free from this earth.    

I've been in therapy for 10 years.  I've been told that it is unhealthy to have black & white / all or nothing thinking. Why is it then, when addressing depression that the rest of the world who has not suffered with depression gets to treat those of us with depression with this type of mindset?  It's not simple.  There is no easy fix.  It's not a 1, 2, 3...just go to the doctor. Just go get 'help'.  Just get a pill. Just be happy.  Just tell me what is wrong.  Just just just...Just shove it.  Just shut your damn pie hole.  

Basically, if you have never suffered through a debilitating depression, you JUST don't get an opinion. 

You just don't get to ask questions.  You just don't get to pass judgement.  You just don't get to. Period.  End of story. 

Here's the thing: I will show humility here because authentic is all I can ever be.  Even I, who have suffered with depression since I was 15 have been known to pass judgement on those around me who are depressed.  Why you ask?  Because when I'm not in the throes of a depression it simply does NOT make sense.  It is in those moments that I understand why it doesn't compute to those of you whose brains are not wired this way.  The reason it makes so much sense to me now is because I am neck deep in yet another bout of wrestling with my demons.  I want to throw myself off the cliff and quit.  I feel like I can't go on another day.  I have no will to live.  I just cant. So right now, I get it because I am living it.  

For those of you who can't understand it, you don't have to.  Thank GOD you don't.  All you have to do is love us and be there for us.  Silently.  Unconditionally.  Maybe with chocolate.  But for the love of God, don't take it personal.  Don't ask why.  Don't try to fix it, or fix us, or assume it's you. It's not you. It's not us. It's depression. It JUST is what it is and it will pass.  And then damn if it will eventually be back again.  It's like the rising of the tide, the setting of the sun.  It's depression, it's how we are wired and it's not our faults.  We can't help it anymore than anyone else can help any other disease or other biological thing about the way they were made.  I'm not going to feel guilty for it ever again, or apologize for it anymore.  I am who I am.  This is me, take it or leave it.  I get depressed.  I fall down, and then I get back up.  I hope and pray I never get so low and so dark that I take my own life.  So far, my record for getting back up is 100%.  

If you know someone who is or has been depressed before and you love them like you say you do, then check in.  I've heard this before: "let us know if it gets bad again" yeah...because I'm going to call when I feel like an unloved orphan who's been outcast like a leper.  Really? Who's being stupid here?  

If you are depressed and you are reading this I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and say stupid cliche things like "just get help".  You and I both know it ain't ever that easy. Chances are, you've sought help over and over and you are back at what feels like the same damn place but some small part of you knows it's really not because each step is progress, so hang in there for the worst to pass and when you can muster the strength, reach out to the one person who really gets you.  I hope you have a 2 am friend and I hope it's not me cuz I'm in a bad place.  (Just bein real) But if I am...text me.  

If you can call for help, counseling is important.  It has saved my ass.  I joke obviously, because it's my mask. But for real, in all seriousness,  I cherish my therapist. She is in her profession for a reason and for that I am thankful beyond words. If you don't have a counselor and you are depressed, find one.  It could be the difference between life and death. And even though you aren't famous, you will be missed.  You are important.  You do matter.  You have value and you are loved.  It's only your depression making you believe that it's not true and you know it.  

I'm not going to leave links for hotlines and help.  If you are reading this blog, you aren't computer illiterate.  I'm not going to treat you like an idiot.  If there is one thing I hate as a person who suffers with depression it's being treated like I'm mentally handicapped just because I'm depressed. You know how to google.  Get to googling. 

I'm depressed.  It will pass.  I feel a bit better after writing this.  There is Hope.