Closing the Gap

I've tried to explain this to many before; what I refer to as "the gap".  Some understand but many do not. I guess that's a good thing for those who have been unaffected by the damages of divorce and family dysfunction. I realized years ago that I have suffered what I have referred to now as a gap in family connection with my paternal side after a long ugly divorce.  

My mother initiated the divorce when I was 9.  She left my dad for his friend.  It was downplayed, it was minimized and it was made out to be something different than what it really was.  I see it for what it is now, as it matches the patterns of everything else clearly.  It's her go-to defense mechanism for survival. If not for that, I'm not sure how she could live with her self at this point.  

Shortly after the divorce came the re-marriage; which they had to hop state lines to accomplish because WI has a "cooling off" period between divorce and marriage licenses being issued.

Almost immediately after the covert out of state elopement, the control and manipulation started and this toxic environment made it difficult for me go back and forth between my parents so eventually I stopped seeing my dad altogether. Once my safe parent was out of my life, I was in the perfect spot for grooming and this made it even easier to be controlled and eventually abused by my mother's husband. 

From the age of 11 to almost 18,  I had little to no contact with my father and his family.  After the hell my mother put him through, he was a broken man for a while.  Hearing me say the words I was coerced into saying "don't pick me up, I don't ever want to see you again" must have killed whatever was left inside of him and so he didn't try. 

Fortunately during this time he met and married an amazing woman. (and even more fortunately for me, she has become a better mom to me than my own!) But in this time, with no relationship with my daddy and the family I'd known my whole life; my young developing mind underwent trauma that I wouldn't understand until years later. Even when at 19, I had my first child and my dad was there, and then at almost 20, I married and began to see my family regularly; I still felt this gap.  I felt this cavernous hole and all the pain associated with the missing years at every single family gathering.  

I didn't understand what was happening at first.  Prior to family gatherings I would just turn into a raving lunatic... taking out all my anxiety on my poor husband. I always thought it was the stress of packing...because most visits involved "going up north" and included packing for several days.  (and that IS stressful!)But then inevitably and almost immediately upon leaving (usually in the car) I would burst into tears.  Honestly, sometimes I even shed tears in private while still visiting.  

As I gained awareness of my anxieties and learned how to work through them it became easier but it's been a long hard road.  One of the things that was key to my healing was giving myself permission to grieve the loss. I had to see myself as that little girl who's life was torn upside down, who's fault it never was and let her cry it out over and over.  With no self judgement.  (that wasn't easy after years of abuse...but that's been something else I'm working on too)

Over the years there were times of pushing people away because I thought it was easier than feeling the pain. (and I had myself convinced that no one really loved me-that was an entirely different battle) but once I was able to truly understand that facing the "gap" head on and making the most out of any time spent together was the only way to minimize the damage of this gap, that is when true healing has taken place.  I know there will always be a scar, but the searing pain has faded with time and in it's place is an awareness of joy and blessings. 

This weekend we had a family wedding and I was able to see my entire family; hug them, embrace them, love them, feel loved by them and walk away feeling incredible joy.  Today I cried at the realization that I've come so far.  

Does it still sting a little when I remember all the years I've missed out on with my daddy? (and the rest of the family)  Damn right, it always will.  But I'm not looking backwards. I'm in the present; ever grateful for every moment I have now.  

Mid-life Identity Crisis Averted

I've spent my entire life trying to figure out who I am.  I've been caught in the cycle of defining myself by my circumstances (past & present) or my accomplishments and failures.  My childhood endured trauma.  Does that mean my identity is tied to being a victim?  I've struggled to work through all the pain and anguish it takes to survive. Does that mean my identity is that of a survivor?  
I became a mom at 19.  Does that make me a teen mom? I married my husband at 19.  Does that make me child bride?  I never attended college after completing 12th grade. Does that make me uneducated? I worked some part time jobs in customer service and eventually landed a full time position in collections; complete with salary, benefits and room for growth potential.  Did that make me a career person?  Once I lost it, did that make me a dead beat?  How about that battle with depression, inpatient stay in a psyche hospital and subsequent outpatient work and ongoing therapy?  Am I a mental patient? I've made some major mistakes in my marriage.  As a mom.  As a friend. Daughter. Human.  Do these things define me?  

I thought they defined me.   Until recently.  I continually saw all of these as how I measured up, or failed to measure up.  For example, since my childhood sustained abuse and neglect, I arrived at the conclusion that I must be unlovable.  My identity=orphan 

When we define ourselves by things of this world we put our security on shaky ground.  Jobs can be lost, relationships can fall apart, people can leave, trust can be broken, money can be spent, careers can die, education can be a dead end, health can fail.  And on and on and on.  We can succeed, we can fall short. We can soar and we can crash.  There is only one absolute we can define ourselves by. God Never changes. 

Herbrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Recently I decided to take a much needed social media break to do some reflecting on God's word and spend more time in prayer. My family has re-committed to attending church again after not going for over a year, so I've also used this time to catch up on last years sermons. (which are conveniently available online.) Today's sermon was on identity. It reminded me of something I had written last year so I took a peek back at an older blog titled:  Loved By Choice

A year ago, I was on to something...even then I believe the Lord was trying to reach me where I was at, to let me know I was loved by Him without condition.  He knew I was hurting too much to read His word, so He met me in my dreams. But now, that I'm knocking on that door, and seeking His face and asking, He is answering the door with arms wide open, showing me His face, giving me the answers and the validation in every single prayer, every devotion and every scripture. 

(and let me just say, God IS awesome!)

Ephesians 1:3-8 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.  For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.  In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's Grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. 

That is Loved By Choice my friends.  It couldn't get any better than that.  

THIS is my identity:
I am HIS, He CHOSE me.  I have but ONE purpose.  To live for Him. To share His Good news and let His light shine.

He chose you too.  He gave His life for you too.  I don't know who will read this, but I trust that God gave me these words and it will reach who it needs to and I pray that these words will touch your heart.  None of these material things define you.  The love of a mighty God defines you and it was freely given long ago on Calvary's cross.  I serve a mighty God and He will meet you where you are at, and He will take all your hurt and He will use it for good. It's His promise.  And I believe it because it is what He is doing in my life.  Beauty from Ashes.  

Yesterday's a closing door

I recently had one of those emotional moments that reminds me of what happens after getting sucker punched and losing the ability to breathe.  I heard my breath catch in my throat, I felt my heart skip a beat and then it felt like my entire world just fell out from under me and I was free falling into nothingness as time stood still. 

My family and I had spent the weekend cleaning the basement which resulted in going through bins in storage that contained stuff we no longer use. I brought a few bins upstairs to go through later by myself.  (I have discovered local online rummage sales via Facebook and I've been selling stuff we don't want.)

After getting the basement cleaned together, I started to sort through the remaining bins on my own this week.  One of these contained old photo albums & frames I have no room to hang, so I began making piles of photo albums (to obviously keep) and empty frames to sell. As I worked my way deeper into the bin, that is when it happened. 

I came across a solitary photograph, loose from my wedding album; a picture of my mom and me.  

I swear I had to tell myself to breathe.  It didn't just happen reflexively like it's supposed to. 

I feel like I had to also remind my brain to signal my heart to resume beating. Because in that moment, the pain was so deep I wished it had stopped for good. 

When the room stopped spinning and my body resumed it's normal involuntary functions, all I felt was immeasurable pain and heart ache and then my tears started. 

By the Grace of God I was able to wipe my tears and resume the task at hand, only slightly affected by yet another painful reminder of what used to be.  

This happened on June 23...later that night I realized my pre-order of Danny Gokey's cd was available on itunes and I downloaded it. One song immediately caught my eye and when I listened to it I began to cry.  

Every word fit perfectly with what I've been going through and served as a faithful reminder from a Loving God that I'm right where I need to be. Even when I stumble and fall, He will pick me back up and when my heart breaks, He will give me the Strength to tell my heart to beat again.  

God bless all the talented musical artists who use their gift to speak words of love, encouragement and life into those who need it. I started this blog after hearing Jason Gray's Nothing is Wasted, and now I'm blogging again after hearing Danny Gokey's latest song.  Tell Your Heart To Beat Again.

http://youtu.be/VFDSyIHCP-o    <---link to video


Lyrics

Shattered, like you've never been before
The life you knew, in a thousand pieces on the floor
Words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you, that you used to be

Chorus-
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of Grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning-  just let that word wash over you
It's all right now, Loves healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun (Son)
Because your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Chorus

Let every heartbreak and every scar
Be a picture that reminds you, Who has carried you this far
Because Love sees farther, than you ever could
And in this moment Heaven's working, everything for your good

Chorus