I've spent my entire life trying to figure out who I am. I've been caught in the cycle of defining myself by my circumstances (past & present) or my accomplishments and failures. My childhood endured trauma. Does that mean my identity is tied to being a victim? I've struggled to work through all the pain and anguish it takes to survive. Does that mean my identity is that of a survivor? I became a mom at 19. Does that make me a teen mom? I married my husband at 19. Does that make me child bride? I never attended college after completing 12th grade. Does that make me uneducated? I worked some part time jobs in customer service and eventually landed a full time position in collections; complete with salary, benefits and room for growth potential. Did that make me a career person? Once I lost it, did that make me a dead beat? How about that battle with depression, inpatient stay in a psyche hospital and subsequent outpatient work and ongoing therapy? Am I a mental patient? I've made some major mistakes in my marriage. As a mom. As a friend. Daughter. Human. Do these things define me?
I thought they defined me. Until recently. I continually saw all of these as how I measured up, or failed to measure up. For example, since my childhood sustained abuse and neglect, I arrived at the conclusion that I must be unlovable. My identity=orphan When we define ourselves by things of this world we put our security on shaky ground. Jobs can be lost, relationships can fall apart, people can leave, trust can be broken, money can be spent, careers can die, education can be a dead end, health can fail. And on and on and on. We can succeed, we can fall short. We can soar and we can crash. There is only one absolute we can define ourselves by. God Never changes. Herbrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Recently I decided to take a much needed social media break to do some reflecting on God's word and spend more time in prayer. My family has re-committed to attending church again after not going for over a year, so I've also used this time to catch up on last years sermons. (which are conveniently available online.) Today's sermon was on identity. It reminded me of something I had written last year so I took a peek back at an older blog titled: Loved By Choice A year ago, I was on to something...even then I believe the Lord was trying to reach me where I was at, to let me know I was loved by Him without condition. He knew I was hurting too much to read His word, so He met me in my dreams. But now, that I'm knocking on that door, and seeking His face and asking, He is answering the door with arms wide open, showing me His face, giving me the answers and the validation in every single prayer, every devotion and every scripture. (and let me just say, God IS awesome!) Ephesians 1:3-8 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's Grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. That is Loved By Choice my friends. It couldn't get any better than that. THIS is my identity: I am HIS, He CHOSE me. I have but ONE purpose. To live for Him. To share His Good news and let His light shine.
He chose you too. He gave His life for you too. I don't know who will read this, but I trust that God gave me these words and it will reach who it needs to and I pray that these words will touch your heart. None of these material things define you. The love of a mighty God defines you and it was freely given long ago on Calvary's cross. I serve a mighty God and He will meet you where you are at, and He will take all your hurt and He will use it for good. It's His promise. And I believe it because it is what He is doing in my life. Beauty from Ashes.
I felt the surge of anger rush to the surface as I pressed the accelerator down further in an attempt to merge onto the freeway; the driver on the lane adjacent refused to allow me to merge and actually proceeded to speed up. I literally screamed out loud "*bleeping expletive* thanks for moving over you *bleepity bleep*!!!" ...and continued to seethe in my rage at the complete lack of common courtesy that exists on the road these days. It happens every day, all the time and I'm fed up. What IS wrong with people?
This world is filled with selfish, self-centered people and it's only getting worse! It's about time something is done about it! Right? I started thinking about just how bad this world is; (I need not remind you of the horrors of this day and age, just turn on the news) and right there on the freeway I decided that this earth is in need of a cleansing of biblical proportions. After-all the sins of this world seem to have far surpassed the days leading up to the flood and God had no qualms about teaching His children a lesson then. But God promised to never flood the earth again so that idea is out. However He has other ways of retribution. What about some hell-fire and brimstone raining down? Turn a few of those jackasses into pillars of salt? No? Nothing? Why NOT God? As I asked that I had the answer in my head, and thought about it with disdain for those who deserve His wrath NOW. "Ooh yeah, because you sent your Son to be The sacrifice and extended Grace after seeing how many times mankind would just continue to reach this ridiculous point of grotesque sin...free will, fruit in The Garden, knowledge of good and evil, stupid Eve, yadda yadda... grumble grumble...but God I really think enough is enough, I'm just so angry!" It was in that exact moment of my thought process, I realized that I would be part of this said "cleansing" I desired to see. After-all, if I had this hatred in my heart after a minor traffic infraction, I'm no better than the million other sinners out there walking this earth. Woofta, talk about an eye opener...I too could be poofed away in the blink of an eye if The Almighty Creator decided to once again rid this place of all the lowly sinners. That thought sent chills down my spine and I immediately turned on K-Love because I was in dire need of encouraging worship music. Amazing Grace was playing. I.kid.you.not. Some might think that was mere coincidence, but I believe the Lord has THE perfect way of driving His point home. A sense of humor was what I needed alongside His perfect timing. I chuckled at the irony of myself wishing a cataclysmic cleansing of mankind while my own heart was filled with sin. As I heard the words "wretch like me", I felt my anger lift and started singing. ♪♫ Lesson: It's about ME, me and my heart, my wretched heart that was saved by His grace, not about the driver on the road. I.can't.condemn.him. I can only work on me and live my life as a testimony to the Grace I've received when I uttered the words of the salvation prayer. (and it's a constant prayer really) Jesus come into my heart and live there, save me, I repent, forgive me, show me the way and make me new. No sooner had I renewed my faith right then and there while doing 73 mph on Interstate I-94; I pictured God looking down upon this sad broken earth that He created, watching all the misery and sin, the hurting lonely people and tears welled up in my eyes and I began to cry. In place of that seething anger was a heavy heart and a conviction for what I'm supposed to be doing daily as a Christian. God called me out right there on the road, and reminded me of my calling, the one I accepted when I chose to pick up His cross and follow Him. Matthew 16:15-16 And He said to them, go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.
But He didn't say I could be the one doing the condemning, rather He directed me to do so with LOVE. Mark 12:30-31 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is NO greater commandment than these. He sent His son to die on the cross, because if not for Him, we'd all be doomed to spend our days living on this earth with no purpose or meaning (driving around in fits of road rage) because our lives here are temporary. Our human bodies can't live forever but our souls will; and I don't know about you but my hurt and broken soul needs a resting place when this life ends. The Old Testament shows that God is a God of anger and wrath, consequence and retribution, but after He sent His son to die for our sins, He showed that above all He is a God of love and it must break His heart to see humankind living this way; especially knowing what great things He has in store for us if we only repent and surrender. He doesn't want to swoop down with His mighty hand and flick the drivers with no courtesy off the road and into an abyss. He wants each and every one of us to be saved by His Grace. He wants our hearts to be SO filled with His love and compassion that every detail of our lives just overflow with Him. Meaning, when others cut me off or drive me to road rage, He wants ME to look past it, forgive them and wish them well. I prayed for that driver; my "neighbor on the road"...I owed it to him after cursing him out and basically damning him to hell. Today I am ever thankful for His Amazing Grace and how it saved a wretch like me; I am begging God to renew my heart once again so I may serve Him and follow Him in a way that not only Glorifies Him for all He has done (and continues to do for me) but shows other His love and Grace. Psalm 51:10-13 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within in me. Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore me to the joy of your salvation, and uphold me by Your generous spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will be converted to You.
