Just Breathe

Anyone else ever have "those weepy times"...when certain things just bring on the tears with no understandable reason in the moment!?

Every day when I drop my youngest (my junior!) off at the high school, we see the same little gaggle of kiddos meandering towards the elementary school. They are dressed in a wide array of brightly colored snow suits with boots and hats and mittens. It's a group of 5 or 6 all together, though now and again there are a few stragglers walking a bit behind;  But they all seem to be chatting and traveling together. I notice them every single day. 

Some days they play with the snow as they journey. Once I saw a child stumble in their big boots and another helped them up; a few times they've dropped stuff and stopped to retrieve it. There is just something about it all that is so sweet.  Every day on my way back I see them a bit further down the road and that is when I often feel the overwhelming urge to cry.  Sometimes I hold it back, other times my eyes well up and I assume I'm just sentimental, and then today I knew I was holding back a dam and waited to get home to let it surge. 

Simultaneously as this was happening I heard the song "Breathe" on K-Love and I think I understood the tears. (Link for video at bottom of page)

The song lyrics resonated with me as I recalled busy school mornings of the years gone by. And I saw those sweet munchkins on their way to school and thought of my babies, all grown.  I wistfully realized I will never have children that age again.  That hurts my mama heart. Another part of me vividly remembered just how difficult it was. Those hurried mornings filled with late wake ups, rushed breakfasts, missing backpacks and matching shoes at the last possible minute as we ran out the door.

Truth be told, I never felt fully equipped to parent in all the challenging moments.  (and there were a LOT, just ask my daughter who was born an adult and admits to not liking being told what to do!) 

I felt isolated and alone because I didn't have a healthy support system.  Without other moms to ring truth into my ears and offer balance to the unrealistic comparisons, I believed I was utterly alone with my struggles.  I felt like each and every challenge was unique and never before experienced, because surely all the other moms had it all together, and mornings were peaceful and went off without a hitch. I'm so thankful that I now know better; Thanks to the amazing group of mama-friends I have in my life as constants!! 

Back then, I didn't know how to be in the moment, unless it was a bad moment and then that was ALL I felt, and it consumed me and I feared it would never end.  

I didn't know how to just breathe it all in and feel peace when the moment was anything but. I didn't know how to tell myself "tomorrow is a new day", because they all blurred together and I wished it away. I fear I missed out on the enjoyment of so many wonderful moments because I was fraught with the stress of the not-so-wonderful moments.  

For the most part now, this is not the case for me.  I have learned how to live life to it's fullest, being fully present in the moment, embracing all the beauty and trying to believe there's a purpose for the ashes.

I guess if there's any wisdom I can impart on moms with littles, it's this: you are not alone, the Creator of the Universe has equipped you with everything you need to be the mom He created you to be, to the precious ones He created just for you.  And in those moments of doubt and angst; just breathe.