Loved By Choice

When I dream it's like watching a movie; at certain parts I  am squinting as though I have a muddled view through a camera lens.  In other instances the image is vibrant and clear and I feel like I am the one starring in the film.  Friday night I dreamed I was adopted.  The faces of those who chose me as their own were blurred, but the love radiated was so tangible I felt as if it was my story and I was in the scene.  I knew they went out of their way to choose me and they loved me so strongly that I awoke feeling the lingering warmth of their love.   Loved by choice, not by obligation were the words on my mind.  I wondered all day why I had this dream, and what it meant.

Last night in my dream I was out to lunch with my mom.  Some details were hazy such as where we were and who we were with; yet in one vivid still frame, with my eyes wide open she turned to me and coldly uttered the words "I hate you."

My mom has never spoken those words to me for real, just this once in the confines of my sleepy subconscious. I awoke with a heavy heart. Throughout the day I continued to feel the sadness draining me of my hope as I recalled the sting of those phantom words.  Words that echo in my dreams and reverberate in my heart, words unspoken yet expressed in actions.  

Abandonment
Rejection 
Betrayal  

Three words who's actions speak "I hate you" loud and clear.

I have left you, I no longer want you and I do not choose you.  It's no different than hearing "I hate you."

Today I am struggling to believe in who I am.  I am lost and alone.  I am torn apart and turned around. I am hollowed and empty.  I am barely breathing.  I am hardly holding on.   I am trapped inside my memories of a life I can't leave behind.  I am a little girl.  

I am a little girl from a broken home; 
I am abandoned.  I am rejected. I am lost and alone.
I am a little girl with a shattered heart; 
I am forced to choose.  I am twisted and torn apart.
I am a little girl in a new family; 
I am hoping and praying for someone to love me for me.
I am a little girl and I am not one of them; 
I am the black sheep and I am not fitting in.
I am a little girl who is taunted mocked and teased; 
I am not his kid, with nothing is he pleased.
I am a little girl grown up before my time;
I am not the owner of my body, or the keeper of my mind.
I am a little girl I am needing to be loved;
I return again and again but I am only to be shoved.
I am a little girl I am the one to blame; 
I am at fault for continuing to take part in his game.
I am a little girl with a secret to bear; 
if I break my silence rejection will be all I am to hear.

Today as I recall last night's dream, I know why I dreamt it; I feel as if my mom hates me.  I believe The Lord gave me the other dream to remind me that I am His beloved. 
I am loved by choice, not obligation.

I am a little girl my life is not my own; 
I have entrusted it to Him who reigns from Heaven's Throne.
I am a little girl a daughter of The Risen King; 
He is my Heavenly Father Who's truth in me will ring.
I am a little girl Chosen and called by name;
I am His lost sheep and He will show me the way.

I am a little girl belonging to the Son; 
the One who shed His blood for me, then whispered "it is done".