I believe in Grace

I've recently joined a support group of Christian women who are using their writing as a means to work through life's hurts.  Each week we are given a writing prompt.  Last week's was meant to get us thinking about what we believe about ourselves, our life experiences and our faith.

It sounds like an easy question: "What do I believe?" But nothing is simple when wounds are involved. Answering this was hard for me because every belief that I've had about myself raises questions of self-doubt. When doubt steps in I hear an opposing view.  I have come to know this internal opposition as my inner dialogue.

  "The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice."         Peggy O'Mara

When I faced the abuse in my childhood I found the origin of my inner dialogue and it led me down a path of introspection, toward the beginnings of healing.  With that in mind I was prepared to do it again with this writing prompt; believing in the process and  that it will promote further healing.

I started with the things I allowed others to make me believe about myself: I’m hot and cold, I am up and down, and I go to extremes.  I’m over emotional and too sensitive.  I’m extremely needy, I’m difficult to love or completely unlovable.  I’m a pessimist, I’m a downer and I’m a whiner.  I complain too much, I make comparisons and I have a chip on my shoulder about my childhood.

That directed me to dig deep into what I believe about myself now: I am weak and strong.  I am stubborn and unyielding yet I can be flexible and pliable.  I am lovable and at times most difficult to love.  I am always moving forward and still sometimes frozen in place.  I am kind and caring when I’m not filled with rage and vengeance. I can be soft and compassionate, empathetic to a fault as well as hidden behind walls and hardened by my hurt.  I am expressive and passionate and yet closed off and numb. I am hopeless and still ever hopeful.  I am glass half empty alongside glass half full.

I no longer believe in the definitions given me by this world. The only one who defines me is the One who designed me. Whether I'm up or down, feeling faithful or forsaken I am who I am; designed by my Creator. In His eyes I am just as He planned. With Him I am broken but healed, flawed but forgiven, imperfect yet loved without condition. I am saved by His Grace. His Grace is sufficient.

When self doubt creeps back in and I hear that old inner dialogue speak up, all I have to remember is one thing that I believe that covers it all. The Grace of Jesus. His grace restores all of my false beliefs.

I Peter 5:10

And the God of all grace who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.