The birthdays that followed were always cause for celebration; surrounded by friends and family, dressed in fancy party dresses, my hair adorned with pig tails as I blew out the candles.
I have pictures...some from my baby book, (which is why some are missing because scotch tape doesn't hold up for 38 years!) others from photo albums I've since acquired. There are photos of me blowing out my candles, pictures of me sitting in a circle of kids with a pile of gifts, snapshots of family members present to celebrate with us. My ninth birthday I begged my mom to let me have all of the girls in my scout troop, 8 in total which meant a house full of 9 little girls, 9 sleeping bags strewn across our living room and 9 little overtired girls by the end of a late night. It was memorable chaos!
My birthday was always fun and a reason to celebrate. Until it all changed...
My parents divorced when I was 9 1/2. My tenth birthday was a quiet celebration with my 1 closest friend sleeping over at our new apartment. No family. No party. There were other birthdays that were simply my mom, my baby brother and me. I remember one in particular with a little microwave cake, atop sat one lonely glowing candle. That was the year we got locked out of the apartment and I had to shimmy up the drain pipe, hop onto the balcony and come in through the sliding door to unlock the front door.
I did have some birthdays with our blended family present but once she remarried it never felt like a celebration. Not if her husband was around. He was anti-celebration. He saw no reason to enjoy birthdays. Now that I look back at it, he failed to enjoy much in life. Which drastically changed my outlook on life.
After the divorce/remarry I lost touch with my daddy and his side of our family. 7 years of birthdays without seeing them, celebrating with them; knowing them.
When I became a mom and a wife and it was up to me to plan parties. In the beginning I tried to have both sides present, but that was tough. So after my kids had a few big birthday parties surrounded by friends and family it turned into celebrating with just my husband, myself and my mom. Always my mom. She's been there for all of our birthdays. Mine, my kids. Even a few of my husbands. Because we spent a lot of time together. And when push came to shove, I chose her over my father's family. I couldn't have both sides here comfortably, so I picked her.
When my birthdays rolled around she'd be sure to be here either the day of or immediately before or after to celebrate with me. It became our tradition to have a fun girl day. Lunch, shopping, cake. Fun. Love.
Despite the struggle of my childhood, she always did her best to make me feel special. She just couldn't make up for what was missing. A dad. A sense of belonging within my family.
This year, marks the first time in 38 years I won't be seeing my mom. Why? It's been almost an entire year since we've spoken, laid eyes upon each other, embraced in a mother-daughter hug. She's disowned me. And while her actions have given me soul crushing pain it's also provided me with freedom. I no longer have to choose. I am open to give love and receive love. Sadly, our relationship is broken, but every other relationship is finally being restored; and there is healing in my life.
Last week as my birthday approached I became sad, and understandably emotional and pictured this day as no reason to celebrate. It's habit to believe that I shouldn't want/need to celebrate. But I dismissed that, every day is a reason to find joy. Why not the day God brought me into this world?
This year will be different. I am choosing joy. Even with the tears of sadness, even with the absence of my mom. I want to throw back my head, with arms wide open embrace this life with all the joy and gratitude I can muster. I want to live.laugh.love. Fully.
We went to dinner Friday to celebrate, knowing we'd have a full weekend ahead of us.
I've struggled to enjoy life and it's moments of celebration; one year my husband told our server at Texas Roadhouse that it was my birthday and I almost killed him. I did NOT want attention, I did NOT want them singing happy birthday to me and I would be damned before I hopped on top that saddle reserved for the birthday patron.
This year was different and I believe it marks the beginning of a lot of changes.
Yesterday I was blessed to be surrounded by friends and family at my Aunt & Uncles house. They hosted a Kentucky Derby party. Why? Because life is meant to be lived and finding reasons to have a party and enjoy life is what happy people do. All of us ladies wore derby hats.
It was a blast!!
My sweet big brother, sister in law and my amazing nieces gave me these gorgeous calla lillies...
And today...my Dad and step mom are stopping by to visit. I can't put into words how excited I am. I think the last time I saw my Daddy ON my birthday was when I was 9. So while I might be missing my mom today, and no...nothing can ever replace her; I will be surrounded by love and blessed beyond measure to spend my day celebrating with family. I prayed that I wouldn't find myself feeling sad but able to live laugh and love and I've been blessed beyond measure this birthday weekend. God is awesome. He answered my prayers, and then some.
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